Mo' Hair, Mo' Problems
by Masked Pan
Summary: Meet Alma, a jive-talking, sassy 19-year-old woman with an unusual Fist and clothing style. When she joins Bobobo on his wayward adventure to end Czar Baldy Bald's reign of terror, she'll bring more laughs, tears and maybe even a little romance to the table than anyone could possibly imagine.
1. Bounty Hunters Need Better Cooking Skill

Hello everybody! So, yeah, I started a new story. A Bobobo to be more exact! I've been in a rather Bobobo mood for a while and decided, "Yeah, sure, why the halibut not?" and so this came along. I haven't decided on a pairing yet (and feel free to tell me who you want to see) but I hope you like it, and if you have anything to tell me or a little advice to give me like, "MOAR CONTINUITY!" or "Needs more cowbell." then please do so. I'm always looking for new ways to better my writing. And to my readers of Hoist the Colors, don't worry, I plan to update that sometime in the near future. So just hang tight and should the story experience a sudden loss of hair, hair nets will be dropped from the ceiling and are to be placed firmly over your scalps. If you're reading with a small child then place your hair net on yourself first and let the little booger fend for himself. Alright, LET'S ROLL!

Disclaimer: Bobobo-Bo Bo-Bobo belongs to Yoshio Sawai. Alma and the Spirit Bell Fist belongs to me.

* * *

In the year 3001.5, Czar Baldy Bald the Fourth rules with an iron scalp. The Chrome Dome Empire is at its peak of ruling over its citizens and gaining many more kingdoms in its quest for world domination over the skinhead lack-of-hairstyle. The Hair Hunters, charged with turning every luscious head of hair into a field of shiny skin by tearing out every single strand of hair with their fists since the ban of the weed whacker after that unfortunate incident back in the Great Watermelon War of—

"Oi! They've seen the show! I think they get it!"

And just who, pray tell, are you?

"Name's Alma, master of the Spirit Bell Fist, the only psychic to win the lottery AND McDonald's employee of the month for four months in a row!"

Ooh, well aren't we proud.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Ya'll just jelly! Now get outta here! This is my story and I'LL be the one to tell it."

Fine. If you need me, I'll be in my trailer.

"Alright, now then, where to start? How about the Great Watermelon War of—"

Why not the first time you met Bobobo?

"Hey-hey-hey-HEY! Whose story is this!?"

… Mine?

"Noooo. NO! Did this happen to ya? Did you live this? Did your momma make you take your shoes off and walk around in the snow for five hours? I ask you again, WHOSE STORY IS THIS!?"

…. Yours.

"Yeah, now be quiet so I can tell them about it!"

…. I need some aspirin…

"Ah-ah-ahem!"

It was a day like any other. I'd just gotten my new assignment from the big kahuna himself, Czar Baldy-Bald. He had charged me to track down and apprehend someone who has been destroying his Hair Hunt bases, some big cat with a huge afro and fought with nose hairs, by the name of Bobobo-Bo Bo-Bobo. Last they heard, he was seen leaving G-Block with some little chickadee.

"Alright. This should be easy as pie. I'll just whip this cat like cool whip and, ba-da-bing ba-da-boom, Baldy Bald's happy and I get to keep my hair." I said to myself, standing on the trail in the desert that led the way to where G-Block was based. I couldn't fathom the thought of losing my neon green hair, spiked into a large fauxhawk with pieces on the side to frame my face and bangs that barely covered my eyes. It was the main source of my power! Well, actually the bells on the tips of my spikes were but I'll tell you that later when it's relevant.

The wind was also blowing, whipping up the desert sand and getting it all in my clothes. Do you know how gritty sand is when you got it rubbing all up on your underwear and in your ears? Yeah, I picked a bad day to wear my usual outfit.

I wore my usual zip-up green hoodie sweater with a monkey face on the back—because I loved monkeys—over a little blue and orange striped tank top number that clung to my body like it was a swimsuit. Well, actually, it was since I never knew when I'd get a mission that sends me to a beach. Man, I loved the beach; except for the sand that is. Man, I hated sand. My yellow hip huggers barely did anything to keep the grains out of my derriere and I could feel the sand rubbing between my toes in my red converse sneakers. Yeah, I guess I should have planned ahead.

While waiting for this Bobobo guy to show up, I got bored. There really wasn't much to do in the middle of the desert and I didn't want to get sand in my Gameboy so I did the next best thing; I held a cooking show!

"So now set our soufflé off to the side to rise, we now set our sights to the main course: Baby seals stuffed with jalapenos and green olives!" I said into the camera, standing behind a counter with all sorts cooking utensils in front of me with a large oven and kitchen stuff behind me. Picking up a large butcher knife, I pulled a giant koi fish that most certainly wasn't a baby seal because I didn't want my viewers to flame me in my first chapter in front of me. "So, after we fillet the baby seal—"

"AHH! Cooking with Alma! I LOOOOVE this show! Miss Alma, MISS ALMAAAAAAA!" Someone shouted in a very shrill but masculine voice. I paused, looking past the cameras and studio audience and into the distance to see… Well, what looked like a large schoolgirl with an impressive yellow afro and braids.

Was that…? Could it be…? Yes, please! It was a FAN! I had a fan!

I chuckled modestly, putting the butcher knife away and looking at the camera. "Looks like we have a fan on the show folks! This is something that happens quite a lot so just bear with me, please!" It really didn't but I just wanted to make myself seem popular. The schoolgirl made it to me, dwarfing me in her massive size. Up close, she actually seemed rather… Manly. And the sunglasses she wore just blocked her eyes from me. Oh well, any fan was welcome! "Everyone, welcome my new guest to the show!"

The schoolgirl flounced onto the stage, twirling around and curtseying. "Oh Alma, I've been your biggest fan since I was just a little sprout! Your egg salad is just divine and your tuna smelt surprise makes me go all squishy inside and out!"

"Why, thank you, little lady!" I grinned, placing my hands on my hips proudly as I could feel my ego inflating to irrational proportions.

"Why, I could just eat your food all day and night! My mama doesn't make it as good as you, she'll end up putting too much salt on it and causing my gastrointestinal problems to act up , but I sometimes sneak it to the squids at night and they all love it!" She gushed, hiding her brightly blushing cheeks behind very tanned hands.

"You flatter me!" I beamed. "If you don't mind, would you introduce yourself to the viewers?"

"For sure!" She grinned, spinning around like a ballerina and striking a pose. "My name is Bobobo-Bo Bo-Bobo! Call me Bobobo! Nice to meet you all!"

"That's nice." I smiled. The bells on the tips of my spikes chimed eagerly, pulling my attention away from the simpering schoolgirl. I glanced up at them; they were trying to tell me something. To be honest, I felt like I was forgetting something myself. Something was off about this girl, the way she squirmed around and giggled bashfully behind her fists. It just wasn't… Right. I observed her, scanning her from head to toe. From the afro, the glasses, the dark skin, the large build. Something wasn't adding up… And then it hit me.

"YOU'RE A DUDE!" I gaped, jumping up on the counter and pointing accusing finger at the man in drag. Of course! It was so obvious! No girl in their right mind would wear that shade of lipstick!

"So you saw through my disguise." The man mused in his normal voice, which was actually pleasantly baritone. "I guess I better come clean now. Truth is, I'm not really a fan of your show." I couldn't fight the tears that began pouring down my face and took to sulking in a dark corner of the kitchen set. Just when I thought someone liked me!

"And I'm not really a schoolgirl either." The man went on. Yeah, I could tell… "I'm actually…" The man spun around, clothes flying off him in a tornado of skirts and shirts. When he stopped, he posed in a…. Teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikini?

"My eyes! BLEACH! SOMEONE GET ME SOME BLEACH!" I screamed, trying to shield them from the sight before me. Suddenly, some kid with bright spikey orange hair and wearing a black robe with a giant sword on his shoulder popped up from behind the counter. "Did someone call?"

"Not you!" I shouted, kicking the kid into the oven and turning it on high. Going back to the large man in the bikini, I shuddered violently seeing him posing seductively and looking bashful.

"Oh, oops. Sorry, wrong costume change." He spun around again, this time stopping in what was supposed to be his regular clothes. A light blue shirt that showed off his midriff and gaped at the collar and down his chest with two large gold buttons, black pant, and dark brown boots. "I'm actually Bobobo-Bo Bo-Bobo!"

"You told me that already!" I shouted then just relaxed. Jumping off the counter as a bunch of platypus workers came and swept the set, audience and camera away into a large incinerator built in the ground, I pulled out a pad of paper from inside my jacket. "But now that you're here, I can finally get this job done. Just hang tight, Mr. Bobobo, I got something I need'a check." I hummed as I flipped through the pad of paper, coming to a stop on a page. "Ah-ha! Bobobo-Bo- Bo-Bobo!"

"Can we say my name any more times in this chapter?" He asked, hand on his hip as he waited patiently.

I ignored him, instead smirking as I read the paper, flipping the pad of paper closed then stuffing it back into my inside pocket and pointing up at the man with a malicious grin on my face. "Your time is up, afro-man! I was charged by the big boss himself to kill you before you did any more damage to the Hair Hunt Empire!"

Bobobo looked at me skeptically, raising a brow. "You're pretty puny to be a Hair Hunter."

I scowled, feeling my blood pressure rising. "I wouldn't say 'Hair Hunter' per-say. I'm just the person who Baldy Bald calls on when his regular troops can't take care of something and his elites are too busy on vacation. I just let him employee me for the free stuff."

"What kind of free stuff?" He asked, interest piqued.

"Free health care, free dental plans, free t-shirts, free mugs, free chopsticks, all the pasta I can eat and free 2-for-1's at any 3 star restaurants, hotels and resorts." I listed off on my fingers. Baldy Bald had a way of keeping people around like that.

"Sounds like a great deal!" He gushed. "Where do I apply? I could use a good dentist! Does the pasta include those swirly ones and elbow macaroni?"

"I can recommend you if you—HEY! I'm supposed to be killing you now!" I glowered at him, getting down in a fighting stance. "Stop distracting me and let's fight!"

He stared at me for a moment, not moving before saying, "My mama always told me not hit a girl. I refuse!" He then crossed his arms over his chest defiantly. I openly gaped, staring at him with wide eyes. No one has ever refused to fight me!

"Aw, come on! One little fight!" I begged, running up to him and tugging on his sleeve.

"Nope!"

"Just do it!"

"Nuh-uh!" He turned away stiffly.

"Come on! Pretty please with sugar, cherries, pickles, pimentos, low-fat chocolate syrup and wasabi sauce on top?"

"Not gonna happen." He shook his head. I was starting to get pissed off now. Backing away, I set his back with the hardest glare I could muster, which probably wasn't that intimidating since my eyes were practically neon pink.

"Fine! Don't fight me! It'll make killing you so much easier." I snarled, getting down in my fighting stance. I created a circle with my thumb and forefingers on both hands, linking them together like a chain with the rest of my fingers on my right hand facing up while the ones of the left faced down. Focusing my energy, a blue aura surrounding me, the bells chiming menacingly atop my hair as power surged forth and I shouted, "Fist of the Spirit Bells: Soul Stealer!"

The top bell on my hair jingled, jittering with energy before a giant black hand shot out of it, flying towards Bobobo with its long fingers outstretched to grab at him. I smirked, the hand opening wide and about to plunge into his back. This was going to be a piece of pie!

"Alright, you asked for it." The man suddenly spun around, the spirit hand missing and dissipating into a mist ahead of him. I glared at him, readying another attack when I suddenly stop, staring at him in disbelief.

He was dressed in a dark green jumpsuit with a large pack on his back with a vacuum hose attached to it. He held up some sort of box with a large antenna on it. "Hm, the EMF readings are off the scale here!" I watched him, confused as he waved the box around, getting closer and closer to me. When he held the EMF reader up to my hair, the radar on it began to go off like a siren.

"WOW! These readings are off the chart! Miss, are you aware that you got ghosties living in your hair?" He asked, eyeing the bells in my hair. I was growing annoyed now. Pushing him away, I said,

"Look, buddy! If you won't take this seriously, you're gonna be in for a world of hurt!"

"BOBOBOOOO!"

"What now!?" I facepalmed, both of us looking in the distance to seem someone running towards us. I raised a brow, watching as the form became clear through the veil of sand. A cute young girl with short pink hair and big blue eyes ran towards us, wearing a short white jacket over a red shirt, blue pants held up by a belt with a red heart buckle and plain black shoes. She immediately went to Bobobo, a deep frown set on her face and completely ignoring me.

"Bobobo! Where have you been!? I turn around for two seconds to buy us some sodas and when I come back, you're gone!" She yelled, clearly miffed at the taller man. Now that she was closer, I could see she hard large black bracelets on her arms and blue dangling earrings.

"Aw, I'm sorry Beauty!" Bobobo said bashfully, wringing his hands and looking down at the girl, back in his normal clothes. "I was going to make you a present for your birthday."

"My birthday isn't even for another four months!" The girl cried. Ignoring her, Bobobo then ran behind me, lifting me up from underneath my arms and ignoring my cries of protest. "But look! I made a friend!"

"Hey! Put me down you muscle bound freak!"

"I think she's a hedgehog." He ignored me, patting my hair. I growled audibly, sneering at the idiot who refused to put me down.

"She's a human!" The girl yelled, relaxing with a sigh and pinching the bridge of her nose. Changing her focus, she sent me the sweetest smile that almost made my teeth rot from the inside out. "I'm sorry about him. He's a little… Out there." She said a little strained. "Um… I'm Beauty and—Bobobo! Put her down!" She noticed how I glared out at nothing, stiff as a board as Bobobo showed off his musical talents and played 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Deodorant Stick' with the bells on my hair. The man frowned, his lower lip jutting out in a pout but complied all the same and I jumped swiftly away from him and Beauty, keeping them in my sights.

"Okay, enough of this." I huffed, looking from Beauty to Bobobo. I was going to feel bad about killing Beauty, she was so darn sweet, but it was the boss's orders to kill them both if I didn't want to end up having the entire Hair Empire riding on my tail. "Baldy Bald wants you dead and I've got some pies waiting in the oven. So let's just get this over with before those pies burn!" I then created my hand formation, feeling my energy surge and go straight to the bells that chimed with power. "Fist of the Spirit Bells: A Grave Encounter!" The energy rocketed to them, separating into two lines before taking the form of gravestones with their faces on them, ready to crush the two into the ground. Beauty shrieked in shock, trying to jump away as the energy followed her every move.

"Fist of the Nosehair: Exorcism or Bust! Don't spit pea soup at me!" I suddenly found myself flying through as two big black nose hairs whooped my butt, landing hard on my back and dispelling my attack. Okay, I admit, I forgot he could do that… I groaned, sitting up to see Bobobo dusting his hands off, two nose hairs retreating quickly into his nostrils. Beauty cowered behind him, her eyes wide.

"You're a Hair Hunter!?" She screamed, frightened. I sighed, staggering to my feet.

"Again, I'm just a free-lance fighter for the big guy. I just do what I'm told and reap the benefits."

"So you're a bounty hunter!?" Beauty gasped.

"No, I'm a…. Actually, yeah. That's pretty much what I'm like." Except I didn't get paid a whole lot.

"You're not very good at your job then." Bobobo said innocently, shoving his hands into his pockets as he watched me. Sending him a dark glare, I rotated my shoulders and said, "Pfft, why do you think I'm just a bounty hunter? I usually take out the smaller game and even then, I just let them off with a stern warning."

"But… Why do you fight for Czar Baldy Bald?" Beauty asked curiously, her previous fear of me forgotten apparently.

I just shrugged, "He took me in and gave me a home when no one else would, saying he saw some sort of usefulness for my fist. I didn't really care then, he just let me do my own thing while sending me to deal with some hooligans that threatened to throw off his groove and I let him do his. Though I don't really approve of what he's doing, I'm sort of indebted to him." Bobobo and Beauty seemed silent for a moment, both watching me thoughtfully. Well, Beauty was, I couldn't tell with Bobobo. For all I knew, he fell asleep.

"Ooh, Mr. Whippy~ Let's go tip-toe through the tulips!" Yep, that confirmed my suspicions as the man's head lolled back after his outburst and began snoring louder than a bear with a head cold. In a time like this, I guess there was only one thing left to do.

"… Wanna go for a smoothie?" I asked, looking over at Beauty. The girl's eyes widened for a moment before she just shrugged her tiny shoulders, walking over to me.

"Can I get strawberry banana?" She asked as we walked off into the sunset, leaving behind a snoozing Bobobo and heading for the nearest pit stop as I decided if I wanted blueberry kiwi or sour apple with cherries. Although, there is one thing that I wanted to ask before I bought us anything.

"Hey, you think I can travel with you guys? I've been looking for a way to get out of this bounty hunting gig and back at Baldy." I didn't receive a vocal answer; just a sweet smile from Beauty and that was all the confirmation I needed. Somewhere at the back of my head, a bell rang pessimistically that this was going to be one heck of a journey.


	2. Wiggin's Specialized Christmas Day

"And that's how I saved Christmas with a spatula, half of a potato and a copy of Better Homes for Chrome Domes." I concluded my epic tale, walking along the desert-turned-forest path with Bobobo walking in front of me and Beauty on my right. After Beauty and I came back from getting smoothies and playing a couple rounds of Dance Dance Tyranny, we found Bobobo taking some swimming lessons from a landshark and, after he bit my ankles a couple of times because he was upset that I didn't get him a smoothie, I managed to convince him to let me accompany him and Beauty in their adventure to stop Baldy Bald.

"Wow." Beauty said, sounding somewhere between awestruck and unconvinced. "And that buffalo is still sitting in that rice steamer?"

"To this day since last Wednesday." I nodded, smiling at the fond memory. I could feel her skeptic eyes on me but I didn't have time to deal with it. I was too busy peeling my face out of Bobobo's posterior since the man decided to stop right in front of me. Growling in annoyance, I looked up at him. "Hey! What's the big idea, triceps!? Did you forget how to walk or what!?"

"Quiet." Bobobo ordered, placing a hand in front of me and Beauty. Curious as to what made him suddenly become so serious faced, I followed his gaze to see an army of round orange guys with arms and legs standing behind a taller human man. I cocked my head to the side, hearing my bells jingling curiously at the sight before us.

Several orange spheres with blue eyes and angry frowns swarmed behind a man in a white trench coat and a white fedora over long blond hair, said man glaring at our group indignantly. Raising a brow, I watching curiously as the man jabbed a finger at Bobobo. "No more running! We caught you, Wig Bro!"

"Who's Wig Bro?" Bobobo asked, sounded less than interested.

"Haven't you heard? He's a Bro that sells Wigs, obviously." I said, crossing my arms. Actually, I didn't know who Wig Bro was; I just wanted to be funny.

"Wig Bro isn't a person!" The blond man shouted irately, clenching his fist in anger. "It's a group of thieves that have extravagant hairstyles! Now don't you play dumb with me!"

"Who's playing?" I asked, looking up from my Gameboy screen to Bobobo who was digging for treasure inside his nose. The man just shrugged and I mimicked his actions, going back to playing my game with Beauty hovering over my shoulder to watch me slay some zombie peanutmen.

"Don't ignore me!" The man shouted before his whole demeanor suddenly changed and he smirked darkly. "Heh, since the rest of your Bros ain't here, it's time to get some payback for what you did, squid!"

"Hey! What did Sid ever do you to!?" I shouted, watching as my pet squid ran off into the forest and leaving a trail of tears behind. Or maybe it was sea water. I could never tell with that angsting squid. I glared back at the man who just looked back smugly.

"Hah, traveling with two girls huh? This will be easier than taking a driver's license from an old lady! Because we have our big boss with us today! The sunny guy, Mr. Excitement, the guy with the energy to light up the sky, the mega-watt man with the charged up plan! The super Don that rocks on and on! He put the zip and zap! ARE YOU DIGGING IT!?" Not really but just for the heck of it, I nodded along with Bobobo and Beauty. "Then you better brace yourselves because here he is, MR. DON PAAAATCH!" The man gestured grandly behind him, laughing loudly as the orange sphere's parted to reveal a tacky looking box that looked like a mini-garage. The door slid up and revealed… Well…

"Ew. I hate raisins." I said, sticking my tongue out in disgust. Confused, the man looked over his shoulder to see what caused me to say that and he nearly went into cardiac arrest. There stood a shriveled up, grey grandpa looking guy that looked similar to the orange spheres but a lot more pruney with more limp spikes and yellow eyebrows.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAA!?" The blond man screamed, the orange spheres freaking out, too.

"Wh-wh-what…?" The grandpa raisin tried to hobble out of his box but only fell face first in the dust. The blond haired guy ran through the crowd, trying to coax his boss back to life. Meanwhile, I'd taken to painting a still life of Bobobo dressed as a Hawaiian hula dancer and Beauty in a giant coconut suit. Narrowing my eyes, I glanced back and forth between them and the canvas before looking at Beauty.

"Can you move a little to your left?"

"Oh, sure…" She said, complying but looking positively miserable in the giant coconut costume, her face and legs the only things visible. Smiling, I expertly swiped the brush across the canvas, completely ignoring the orange guys and their dilemma.

"Hey! What are you guys doing!? You're supposed to be paying attention to our totally awesome boss here before he beats you senseless for what you've done to—"

"Looks like he's wiggin' out." Bobobo commented, looking over at the blond dude before snapping back into place when I yelled at him not to move. Blondie growled, turning and pointing a finger at one of the orange sphere men. "Wake the boss up! Give him some soda or something!" The spheres complied, rolling the guy over onto his back as they force fed him some soda. We watched, Bobobo and Beauty shrugging off the costumes while I hung my painting on a nearby rock to kind of liven the place up. Yeah, that really adds some nice color to the place!

Rejoining the group, I watched as the Don guy just spazzed out on the ground while shouting something about pink elephants on parade before falling silent. The spheres whispered amongst themselves, jumping into action when Blondie yelled, "Give him some more soda, stat!"

Several cans of soda were shoved into the Don guy's mouth, the high sugar intake sure to kickstart the… Thing. I don't want to say man cause I have no idea if this guy was anatomically correct or what and I sure as all get out that I wasn't going to find out. After a few moments, the ground began to rumble anxiously as if something was building up.

"AW YEAAAAAAAH! POPPY-LICIOUS!" The sun guy suddenly sprang into the air with vigor and the ground stopped shaking, his body no longer grey but now a burning bright orange that was sure to burn my retinas if I wasn't so used to overly bright colors.

"Don Patch!" Blondie and the rest of the spheres called eagerly. Cocking my head, I looked up to ask Bobobo a question only to find that he wasn't there.

"So that's where I left my hat!" I looked up, finding Bobobo had grabbed this Don Patch guy in midair before plopping down to Earth and shoved Don's top spike into his afro. "My precious mummsy-wumsy bought me that hat! I thought I lost you forever! So? How do I look?" He asked, facing me bashfully with his hands folded behind his back and some sphere guys that ran to try to save their boss.

"Very nice! You should wear it in our Sunday picnic!" I praised, clapping my hands appreciatively and smiling up at the blushing man. I had to admit, he looked pretty dapper with his new topper!

"Darn Wig Bro!" Leave it to Blondie to ruin the moment, an orange sphere behind him echoing his words. Annoyed, Bobobo looked back at the guy as I snapped a couple of pictures of him and his hat for our scrapbook. "Look guys, we ain't this 'Wig Bro' gang you've been looking for so just pop a couple of chill pills and we'll all go out to play some Jenga, alright?"

"You're not?" Oh, NOW he listens. "Then who are you?"

"Why, I'm you're dream come true!" Bobobo announced, posing as if he were a pin-up model in front of the man. Well, at least he wasn't wearing that teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikini. Seriously, I'll have to go to therapy for that.

"Will someone please make some sense around here!?" I heard Beauty scream before my vision was blocked by a bunch of jumping sphere guys. I lurched forward, feeling one jump on my back and reach up towards Bobobo, all of them saying something along the lines of, "It's okay Boss! You can come down from there now! Yeah, we know you're not a hat"

Don Patch's brows furrowed for a moment, his eyes screwed shut in some sort of meditative trance before they shot open and he shouted "What do you mean I'm not a hat!?" After a moment, he smirked and crossed his arms, chuckling to himself. "Well, that was pretty close. You almost had me thinking I was actually a hat for a moment. I've never actually met a Wiggin' Specialist that's truly mastered mind control before."

"Wiggin' Specialist?" Beauty asked. "People who specialize in Wiggin'." I explained, kicking back on a lawn chair with a cherry berry twist smoothie and some platypus henchmen fanning me with giant palm leaves. Heck, if I knew it was going to take this long to get anywhere, I wouldn't have cancelled my subscription to Shonen Jump. Beauty's eyes bugged out when she saw me, exclaiming, "I thought you were sane!"

"WELL TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT!" Our attention was brought back to Don Patch and Bobobo as Don began screaming something about duels. "I challenge you to a duel!"

"Sure thing." Bobobo replied nonchalantly.

"Alright! LET THE WIGGIN' OUT CONTEST BEGIN!"

"Can I judge?" I piped up eagerly, sitting on the edge of the lawn chair. I loved wiggin' competitions! I didn't miss the confused glance from Beauty so I explained to her. "In a Wiggin' Competition, pretty much people agree on a theme and whoever wigs out the best with that theme wins. They get to be pretty hairy if the competitors are really good." Get it? Hairy? Wiggin'…? Aw, who asked you.

"Let's decide a theme!" Don Patch said, pushing up on Bobobo's afro to dislodge himself. "How about Christmas?" He cheered as he popped out, leaving a blubbering Bobobo behind as he cried about his lost hat.

"It's August!" Beauty screamed while I just clapped happily, "Yay! Christmas in July!" Beauty just blanched at me before slouching in defeat. "Why do I bother?" Man, she needed to learn how to hang loose.

Turning back to the competition, I concluded that this Don guy was full of hot air half-way through his Wiggin' scene. Apparently, he was supposed to sell some churros to pay his rent but no one ever bought any and so he went to some Christmas party where he force fed everyone until he was booted out. The end.

"So, how did you like my Wiggin' Out?" He asked smugly, crossing his arms over his orange body. Holding a box of tissues out to Bobobo as he sobbed at the story, I stuck my tongue out and gave him a thumbs down.

"Laaaaaame. Everybody knows what a churro is, numb nuts."

"OH YEAH!? WELL I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU DO BETTER, YOU SONIC THE HEDGEHOG WANNABE! HOW ABOUT THAT, BOZO THE DORK!? AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, YOU COULDN'T WIG YOURSELF OUT OF A PLASTIC BAG NOW COULD YOU!? NO YOU COULDN'T SO JUST SHUT UP AND GO BACK TO BEING A SECONDARY CHARACTER YOU TWO-BIT PUNK!" Don freaked, glaring daggers at me and stamping the ground in his tantrum.

"Yeah, you better watch yourself! Don Patch isn't to be trifled with!" Blondie exclaimed, the orange spheres 'humphing' in agreement. I smirked, my bangs shadowing my eyes to the point where only my gleaming pink irises shone menacingly against the dark. "Is that a challenge?" I said lowly, my smirk growing to reveal my bizarrely sharp teeth. Oh ho, this dodgeball knock-off loon wouldn't know what hit him.

"Alright, enough." Bobobo intervened, picking me up under my arms before Don and I could start something. "This is between me and Don. Alma, why don't you and Beauty go experiment with make-up or whatever you girls do while I show this guy what real Wiggin' is all about?"

"What? But that psycho ball of whatever is just asking for a butt whoopin'!" I protested as he put me down and nudged me in Beauty's direction. "Now, now! Girls shouldn't even been Wiggin'. You leave that up to the men, y'hear?"

"GRR, you better sleep with one eye open tonight." I growled at Bobobo then glared right past him at Don as our eyes met in a deathstare match that only broke when I turned to stomp off towards Beauty. Said girl placed a comforting hand on my back as we sat down by a tree so I could sulk properly and tend to my garden of mushrooms.

"Now then, let me show you what Wiggin' is all about!" Bobobo exclaimed in a display of arm movements and then, the world around us seemed to turn dark as a spotlight sprang up on Bobobo sitting at a table in an apartment. The radio next to him blared on about a lifetime of flaming hot pepper gelatin.

"Yummy, yummy! That's for me!" Bobobo exclaimed, thoughts of tasty spicy gelatin dancing through his afro before looking down at the contest form in front of him, tapping his pen against the desk a couple of times. "… I forgot how to spell my name…"

Then the scene ended, the lights popping back up into the present. I raised a brow, over being snubbed by Bobobo and building a lego tower with Beauty. "That was actually pretty sad." I muttered, a melancholy feeling coming over me as my bells chimed lowly in agreement.

"Oh please." Beauty piped up, annoyed with this tomfoolery. "He couldn't even fill it out if he wanted. The thing was in Japanese!" After a few moments, I just shrugged, going back to my normal self.

"That was so SAAAAAD!" I heard Don cry and I looked over to see the little sun guy attaching himself to Bobobo's arm, tears streaming down his face. "I can't believe someone can have such sad Christmas memories as that! Please tell me you made it all up! Please tell me that it didn't happen!"

"I wish I could, Donny!" Bobobo sobbed, grabbing the sides of Don Patch as a similar stream of tears fell from underneath his glasses. "I wish I could say it wasn't true but I lived it! And now… I just can't shake it!"

Don froze for a moment, mouth agape. "He just… Wigged out…" And then he fainted right there on the ground. Standing up and brushing myself off, I approached Bobobo, watching as several of the mini-sphere guys shoved more diabetes causing soft drinks down Don's throat where he then pounced in the air again but this time, there was no Bobobo snatching him from the air and placing him on his head.

"… Can we get ice cream after this?" I asked the man, looking up as we waiting for Don to come back down to Earth. The man nodded his head, making me smile brightly before looking over to see that Don had finally touched down.

"You're Wig Out story was very sad but this isn't over just yet!" The man smirked, his round face smug as he glared up at Bobobo. "I'm about to get REAL JIGGIN' WITH THE WIGGIN'!" Blondie and the small orange spheres cheered, Bobobo watching intently while I cocked my head to the side. What else did this guy have up his metaphorical sleeve?

With a mighty shout, a yellow aura enveloped Don Patch, the little sun guy getting his serious face on. Bobobo and I tensed, watching as he seemed to be building up energy for some sort of attack!

"Wig out… Wig out… Wig out…" Or just some mediocre attempt at comedy. We watched as Don crouched, his hands forming the 'Rock n' Roll' symbols as he shuddered, chanting the mantra "Wig out… Wig out… Wig out…"

"Laaaaaaame!" I called again, sitting down next to Beauty, watching as Don stopped his little 'wig out' session. Bobobo sat on a rock, crossing his arms and legs while his nose hairs came out of his nostrils to cross, too.

"I've seen better wiggin' out on hairless gophers!"

"Oh yeah!?" Don growled, jumping into the air and shouting "TRANSFORM!" as he began to spin around mid-air, morphing into a four-pointed projectile that you usually see in animes about teenaged ninjas. "Ninja Star! Your mine!"

"Boss has lost it!" Blondie cried in fear, watching Don Patch spinning straight for Bobobo.

"Now I'm the star on top of a Christmas tree in a ninjas house! WIG OUT! DON PATCH NINJA STAR ATTACK!" The berserk orange guy flew around Bobobo in a flurry, creating visible tears on the man's shirt and clothes while all he could do was put his hands up to shield himself.

"Something's not right here." Beauty mused, directing my attention from my Gameboy to her from my spot on the ground. "Bobobo should be able to dodge a simple attack like that with no problem." I looked over, hearing Don Patch laugh goofily as he taunted Bobobo with his attack. Looking back up at Beauty, she looked down at me expectantly.

"… What? Do you want me to do something about this?"

"Yes if it means Bobobo doesn't get hurt!" She remarked, glaring at me.

"Do I have toooooo?" I whined, too lazy to get up. "He said that girls can't fight!"

"He only said that girls shouldn't Wig Out now are you going to help him or not!?" She yelled, causing me to sigh in resignation before sliding to my feet and tossing my Gameboy into my pocket.

"Fiiiiiine." Turning towards them, I created my hand sign, feeling a blue aura surround me as the energy built up towards the bells atop my hair. I let out a guttural growl, feeling the power surge before yelling out, "Fist of the Spirit Bells: Wake-Up Dirge!" A large black hand flew from the top bell in my hair at intense speed, flying for Don Patch and easily swatting Don Patch out of the way and instead going for Bobobo where it formed a fist and repeatedly bopped Bobobo on top of his afro.

"Oi! Wakey-wakey, Sunshine! Do something about this gnat so we can get on with our adventure! Can you hear me in there? Hellooooooo!" I yelled, trying to pull Bobobo to his senses, hearing Blondie and the spheres gasp in shock at the giant ghostly hand. Bobobo hunched over suddenly, the black hand disappearing as a yellow aura began to take over his form. Thrusting a hand into the air, Bobobo called out, "Aircraft Number One!"

There, in the sky, four bright lines shimmered before they flew down from the sky. A blue and white space shuttle flew over Bobobo, Beauty 'ooh'ing while I 'aww'ed.

"Number Two!"

This time, a sleeker air shuttle came flying down.

"Number Three!"

… Was that a picnic table?

"Flying Piggy!"

Last but not least, a pig came flying out of the sky with everything else. Bobobo took off into the air, the aircrafts following him. "FORMATION!" The formed a diamond shape around him, each object beginning to glow bright as Bobobo shouted, "UNITE!" The objects shot into Bobobo, creating a bright blinding light! When my retinas weren't on fire anymore, I looked over to sea Bobobo sitting at the picnic table with a Gameboy linked to the Piggy's. "Uniting complete."

"You call this uniting!?" Beauty shrieked. "Ooh! Who's up for threeway?" I ran up, taking out my own handheld and attaching it to the cable as I sat at the end of the table and joined the two in a game of Sumo Space Brigade.

"Not you, too!" I heard Beauty yell but was too immersed in beating Piggy and Bobobo to notice. "Hey, get off my tail!" Piggy grunted at me as I was, quite literally, tailing his onscreen sprite.

"ME TOO! I WANNA PLAY!" Don Patch zoomed up, attaching his own play device to the fourth cable and joining us in our intergalactic battles.

"I hate four-way." Bobobo huffed as his spacesumo blew up thanks to the teamed up efforts of Piggy and Patch.

"Aww yeah! Five –thousand calorie power!" I continued to mash buttons, my eyes glued to the screen as I rocketed my spacesumo through Don's and retrieved his flag.

"No fair! You're using cheats! Hacker!" Don yelled, tossing a player's guide at my head which I easily dodged.

"BOBOBO! ALMAAAA!"

"Beauty!" Bobobo cried and I whipped around, ignoring the sounds of my spacesumo blowing up to see Beauty being carried away by some Hair Hunter with long hair.

"Nice hair, sweetie. It'll go great on my nightstand." The slimy Hair Hunter snickered darkly, Beauty underneath his arm like she was a football.

"Boss! It's Wig Bro! And he's kidnapping the comedic relief!" Blondie shouted. So that was Wig Bro, huh… I imagined something more… I dunno, really, but not some Hair Hunter in a greasy wig.

"What?" Don slammed his Gameboy down, leaping into action. Pointing a finger at the Hair Hunter like he just insulted his grandma, Don yelled "I, Don Patch, command you! Release her or face my main character fury!"

The Hair Hunter just stared at him blankly before hopping on some hover bike with a unicorn head secured in front of the bars and zooming off.

"AAH! ALMA! BOBOBOOOO!" Beauty's pleas for help became fainter until her voice was just a whisper on the winds breathe.

"You sure told him, small fry." I said positively, leaning over Don with a smile as the little ball of sunshine stood there in shock over being ignored. Yeah, I wasn't totally worried about the whole Beauty-being-kidnapped thing. I knew we'd save her before her head became a barren field of skin! … Maybe…

Feeling a tap on my shoulder, I looked up to see Bobobo hovering over Don and me. Bright pink petals surrounded his face as he smiled sweetly, pointing to his face. "Springtime!"

"Aah, how lovely!" I swooned, Bobobo grabbing mine and Don's hands and spinning around with us, enjoying the smell of the fresh springtime air. We laughed, skipped and sang merrily, enjoying ourselves to the fullest in a freshly bloomed field of daisys!

Until Don reached up and bashed Bobobo and mine's heads together, effectively knocking us to the ground and back into reality. "Why those Wig Bros… They'll pay for ignoring me! I HEREBY DECLARE WAR ON WIG BRO!" He declared as I sat back up, wiping away tears and rubbing my newfound boo-boo. "Owie…"

One of Don's henchmen approached me, placing a bandage on the cut above my eyebrow where Bobobo stabbed me with his sunglasses. "There, there." He consoled, patting my back and making me feel better enough to listen to Don's shpeal.

"Yeah! We're going to teach those guys a lesson! Let's go!" Blondie yelled, all fired up and ready to go.

"NO! I'm fighting alone." Don turned to his confused henchmen as they cried in confusion in protest. "You guys never leave me alone! I can't even go to the store without you following me and begging for goodies. I need some money for myself, dangit!"

"But.. But…" Blondie tossed himself onto his back, rolling around in a tantrum. "I wanna go! Boss, don't leave me!"

"If I can be serious for just a minute…" Don's and mine's attention was drawn back to Bobobo where he sat on MY lawn chair, flower petals still surrounding his head and drinking MY cherry berry twist smoothie! The nerve!

"If Wig Bro is part of the Hair Hunt troops then I have a reason to join the fight against them!" He said, slurping my smoothie. I twitched, marching up to him and swiping my drink back, only to find he finished the last of it. "My smoothie…" Nooooooo!

"Hm… Alright, you can come!" Don agreed and before I knew it, Don and Bobobo were racing into the direction the Wig Bro went, Bobobo tossing flower petals at him while I trailed close behind, mourning the loss of my delicious blended beverage.


	3. Medusa's third cousin? Yeah, okay, sure

"Alright guys, you know the plan?" My eyes shifted back and forth between the two boys in front of me, pleasantly surprised when they both nodded in confirmation. The giant purple Hair Hunt base known as H-Block loomed ahead of us, the sky naturally darkening to create that foreboding affect that every evil building needed. According to Don Patch, the fat cat that kidnapped Beauty was a member of this base by the name of Tarashi so it was likely that he had taken Beauty there to scalp her and create fabulous merchandise from her hair. Of course, that'd only happen over our dead bodies! Well, their dead bodies. I actually enjoyed living, thank you very much!

….. Buuuuut I guess I should make sure their bodies don't become dead otherwise mine would end up that way, too.

Looking over at Don Patch, the orange sun man having two huge streaks of blue paint going down his face and donning a brown kilt and a flowy brown wig, I nodded to him. "Alrighty, Patchy. Do ya thang!" Don smirked before taking off towards the base and setting off the first step of our plan.

"YOU CAN TAKE OUR WASABI BUT YOU CAN NEVER TAKE…. OUR SUSHIIIIIIIIII!"

"Don Patch!" I heard collective gasps, cupping a hand to my ear to better hear the commotion. Yep, Don Patch may be off his rocker, but he sure new how to confuse the masses in just the right way. Shifting my gaze over to Bobobo, I indicated for the man to climb into the giant wooden, hollow badger on wheels that we managed to build in the short amount of time between chapters. As soon as he was in and settled, I closed the hatch and kicked the supports out from under the wheels, jumping on the back of it in time for the thing to begin careening down the hill towards the base and the mass of confused Hair Hunters.

Holding aloft a giant celery stick, I shouted, "FOR BEAUTYYYY!"

"What the hell is going on!?" I heard shouting, several voices crying in shock and pain as the wooden badger all but ran them over. I smirked, jumping off as the badger and landing next to Don, watching as it was about to hit the side of the base and unleash our final attack!

But as fate would have it, that never happened as the wooden badger just barely stopped in front of the wall, it's nose just a hair's breadth away from touching it. "Aw, COME ON!" I shouted angrily before crying out in pain when Don Patch decided to beat me up for my failed plan.

"This is all your fault! If we just went with the stick horses, we wouldn't be in this mess now! But no! We had to go with your plan instead and now we're going to dieeee!" Growling, I kicked the angry Don Patch off of me before standing up and wielding my giant celery stick like some badass video game character would wield their sword, glaring at the Hair Hunters in fancy wigs that had managed to evade our attack.

"Well, well, kiddies. Looks like your little ambush will have to come to an end!"

"Too bad, it was getting interesting for a while. But now your split ends here!"

"Diego… Just… No. Just no. That joke sucked and so does your hair style."

"Well, your mom sucks!"

"What's the matter? Ya gonna cry!?" Several of the Hunters laughed, taunting us before creating our untimely demise. I felt Don's spikes dig into my legs, the orange sun going back-to-back with me and I looked down at him before glancing at the badger.

"Dammit, if only I hadn't welded the hatch shut!" The Hair Hunters were advancing quickly and I had to think of something fast. I couldn't just abandon my badass character pose to create the right hand formation for my Spirit Bells Fist and I didn't know of any attacks that Don could do other than acting like himself.

"Me and my dumb ideas." I growled to myself, readying myself to beat some Hair Hunters senseless with my Celery Stick of Terror (Because Doom was Overrated).

"Ding, Ding! First stop, Hair Hunt H-Block Base: Hair Hunters, Wig Makers, Gift Shop. Grab your umbrellas, folks, because it looks like there's going to be a slight chance of PAAAAAAAIN!" My eyes snapped to see Bobobo burst from the top of the badger in time, nose hairs whipping out to put the beat down on the Hair Hunters in only two seconds flat.

"Phew, that was close. Thanks Bobobo but uh… WHAT THE HECK TOOK YOU SO LONG!?" I yelled at the taller man when he landed next to me, nose hairs flowing back into his nose. He looked down at me with a face set firmly in a 'no nonsense' manner, almost shocking me into being quiet. He then pointed to his head and I looked up to see a bus driver's hat sitting on the top of his afro.

"I was doing my duties as a working class civilian to transportify people to their destinations!" He grinned, making me raise a brow for a moment but then I just shrugged and accepted it. Nodding, Bobobo tossed off his hat then turned towards the entrance to the base. "Now let's get Beauty before I miss my shows."

Nodding, I wandered up to the massive doors of the base, thrusting them open with Bobobo and Don Patch quickly joining my sides. "Well, well. So nice to finally meet you, Bobobo." I squinted, peering into the darkness to see some dude in the regular Hair Hunt armor with flowing green hair. What caused my bells to jitter anxiously, though, was the red eye that sat on the front of his chestplate. Now why does that strike a chord in my thinking brain?

"I'm Maitel, commander of H-Block." Hm… Nope, still doesn't ring a bell for my ringing bells. Immersed in my own world of trying to figure out why that eye was familiar, I didn't have a chance to stop Don Patch when he practically flung himself at the commander.

"So you're the leader! PREPARE TO MEET YOUR MAKER!" Maitel's eyes widened, although not for the right reason. His eyes flashed bright red and the next thing we knew, Don had turned to stone! Talk about a stone cold stare. Still didn't explain where I knew that darn eye from though!

"Oh no! What did you do to Don Patch!?" Bobobo yelled, unhappy that his friend was now no better than an ordinary lawn ornament. All attention was drawn back to Maitel when he began laughing smugly, smirking darkly. "Ever heard of Medusa?"

"…. THAT'S IT!" Everyone's gazes shot to me at my outburst. Jabbing a finger at Maitel, I snapped my head towards Bobobo. "Now I know why that eye's been chapping my hide! This guy is Medusa's third—"

"Medusa's third cousin? The third cousin of the same Greek monster that turned people to stone with just a glance into her eyes? My, my, I didn't think I'd see you here. By the way, Alma, the Czar's pretty angry at you. What are you doing with this rabble?" I glared at Maitel, careful to avoid eye contact as I assumed a casual stance, crossing my arms behind my head and leaning back on one foot and ignoring the look Bobobo was sending me.

"I ditched that low end salty meathead and I'm helping with these guys to stop him now. Tell Baldy that the next time he sees me, I'll be putting the beat down on him!" I responded, my eyes narrowing when Maitel began laughing. "What's so funny, ya prima donna?"

"Oh nothing, nothing. I'm just thinking about how fun it'll be when I'm watching the Czar rip every single strand of hair out of your head when I drag you back there myself!" The guttural growl that left my throat could have been likened to that of an animal's when I suddenly tensed, glaring hard at Maitel while readying my hands to create my Fist formation but Maitel had different plans. "But first, I'll have to take care of this guy!"

"Bobobo!" His eyes glowed red again as he set his gaze towards the afro'd man. I flinched when I heard Bobobo's screams of terror, shutting my eyes so I didn't have to watch him turn to stone. Only when his screams didn't cease did I look to see what was taking so long, and almost fell face first with shock.

"You turned me into a carrot! WAHHH!" Bobobo cried, the man now actually a walking, talking carrot complete with his sunglasses. Well, at least I wouldn't have to build a garden just to put him in it.

"What!?" Maitel was also in shock, his eyes bugging out of his head at seeing the Bo-Carrot. "Why didn't my Medusa trick work? Let's try this again!" His eyes flashed red again and this time, Bo-Carrot became a head of Bo-Lettuce. "Will you stop messing around with produce!? Why won't you just turn to stone already?"

"It's cause Bobobo eats a lot of vegetables that your Medusa trick isn't working." I pointed out, resting an arm on top of Stone Patches head. Actually, that was a lie. I had no idea why it wasn't working but it sounded smart at the time. Forgetting about my attempt to sound intelligent, I watched as Bobobo produced a small hand mirror to look at himself.

"NOOOO! I'VE BEEN TURNED INTO A CABBAGE!" Huh… Could'a sworn he was lettuce. Bobobo sobbed, pounding the ground angrily.

"Don't worry, Bobobo. With my culinary expertise and you're… Cabbageness, I'll make you into a meal suitable for at least somebody with no taste buds!" I smiled, a crock pot on top of Don Patch's stone head already steaming with cooking corn beef. Bobobo looked at me for a moment with, what I presumed, was hope filled eyes and I just smiled wider with the promise that Bobobo wouldn't have to live his life as just some starchy old lettuce-lookalike.

But then I got a face full of foot when Bobobo took a flying leap at me. "I'm a vegan!"

"Fine! If my Medusa trick won't work, I'll just have to destroy you with my bare hands!" Fixing my jaw from Bobobo's kick, I looked up in time to see Maitel running at us, his face wild and his eyes wide like a savage animal. Glancing at Bobobo, I was expecting to see him getting ready to defend us but that hope flew out the window when I saw him painting his toenails. With my blue nail polish, no less!

First my smoothie, now my nail polish… Oh HELL naw! "Bobobo! Stop taking my things!" I then hefted the statue of Don Patch using my comedic timing skills and swung it at Bobobo. Except, you know that thing where something's too heavy and, if you don't hit your target, it just keeps going? Yeah, well, Bobobo easily dodge my Don Patch statue attack and, instead, I ended up spinning around and hitting Maitel hard enough that the statue of Don cracked. I blanched, watching at the cracks began to spread their web like seams all across his head and spikes.

"Now look what you made me do!" I yelled at Bobobo, the cabbage-man humming as he looked up at me from some girly magazine. I opened my mouth to chew him out some more like an angry honey badger but was cut off instantly when I felt hands wrapping around my neck and someone whipping my head back and forth like some song from a prepubescent little girl.

"What do you think you're doing!? I'm not a weapon you can just toss around! I have feelings, dangit! You could have dented my spikes or worse you clumsy oaf and then where would I be!? I have to maintain perfect spike formations if I want to keep my position of main character! STOP! TRYING! TO! RUIN ME!"

Growing annoyed, and just a little sick, I pried Don's hands from my neck and drop-kicked him into Maitel, who recovered in time to dodge him and Don went flying into a nearby low-fat tapioca stand.

"Wh-what?" Maitel gasped, likely confused over how Don Patch could be just fine after being turned to stone.

"C'mon, Don! Stop fooling around and help me take out this guy!" Bobobo shouted, finally springing into action instead of filling out one of those cheesy matchmaker quizzes and together, he and Don unleashed a flurry of fists and miscellaneous objects upon the H-Block commander. I sighed, deciding not to call Bobobo on the fact that he'd been goofing since the time we walked into this building and decided to just sit down criss-cross applesauce on the floor and play my Gameboy until the next plot moving development.

"Don't stop moving to that funky, funky beat! Don't stop moving to that funky, funky beat~" I raised a brow at the sudden sound of outdated music, looking up at the source to see Maitel swiftly pull a small pink flip phone from his pocket and answer it, doing his best to dodge Bobobo and Don's attacks as he spoke to the person on the other end.

"Hello, H-Block commander Maitel speaking. Who's this?" He dodged an angry wet cat thrown by Bobobo. "Oh! Cathy! Heeeey…" Ducked under a beluga whale courtesy of Don Patch. "Wait, OUR DATE WAS TONIGHT!?" Got a face full of silly string just because I didn't want to feel left out. Maitel suddenly sunk to his knees, his expression that of horror as the phone slipped out of his hand and clattered to the floor. "Ohh, what am I going to do? I forgot all about my date tonight with Cathy and I have no idea where I'm going to find three hot guys…" Nevermind the fact that he commanded a group of the hottest guys in the Hair Hunt army.

"You have me!" Bobobo piped up, no longer Bo-Cabbage but now Bo-Eggplant.

"I'M NOT TAKING AN EGGPLANT TO DINNER!" Maitel shouted furiously.

"Hey guys! Hurry up! It's not nice to keep ladies waiting." Don spoke up, combing his spikes in front of a vanity.

"Will you get real!? Besides, there's only three of us and we need FOUR guys!"

"What about Alma?" I jumped to my feet at the sound of my name, looking over to see Bobobo pointing in my direction. Aw man, I knew where this was going. Shaking my head, I sighed and pointed to my chest. "In case you bird brains haven't noticed, I'm not exactly lacking in the femininity department."

Suddenly, my vision was darkened as something jumped on my back and there was tugging on the front of my jacket. "Hey, hey! Watch the hair!" I yelled, trying to pull of whatever was attached to my face now.

"Hold still! Just do as we say, keep your mouth shut and maybe you can pass as a moderately nice looking guy." I heard Don say and I could only assume it was he that jumped on my back when the weight disappeared and I felt the front of my sweater being zipped up.

"I'm pretty sure the girls will notice that something's out of place." I said, looking in the direction that I thought Don was. I couldn't tell since I couldn't see and I was guessing that he snapped some sort of mask over my face.

"You ever been in a high school host club? Trust me, they won't notice anything." The orange sun replied confidently.

"Well, I guess it'll work. It's not like we have any other choices." I heard Maitel speak, though he sounded not the least bit convinced that it'll work.

"Alright! Let's go woo us some ladies!" Bo-Eggplant cheered. I sighed, slumping forward. This was gonna be one long dinner date. Guess Beauty's just gonna have to wait a little longer.


	4. Can't help it when you're blind

Hey guys, sorry this one is a little short. I've yet to work out my pacing and the right places to cut off at. So, yeah, bear with me on that... Ahem, on with the show!

* * *

Yeah, the dinner date? Turns out that Maitel's car had broken down and we had to find a different mode of transportation so now we found ourselves sitting on… Something. I don't know since I couldn't see (thanks to Don Patch. Note to self: Make his death look like an accident) but I heard Bobobo say it was a rocket-propelled poptart with a cat's head powered by the love and joy of a thousand happy children with pop guns. Whatever, I was just clinging to the sides for all my worth as a character so I wouldn't fall off of this crazy thing. Seriously, Maitel was going to owe us BIG TIME for doing this!

"Wait, STOP! We already passed it! Nooo, we're going to be late!" I heard Maitel whine from my right.

"Not on my watch!" Bobobo shouted from in front of me and I suddenly lurched to one side, gripping the thing in a death grip when I felt myself slowly sliding towards the edge.

"Move over, you don't know how to drive this thing!" I felt Don struggling next to me to, probably fighting with Bobobo to gain control of the vehicle.

"Watch out for that old lady!" Maitel screamed and by the shouts of profanities, we just barely managed to swerve around an angry geriatric.

"Hey, you're smudging my glasses!" Bobobo cried and our ride gave another jerk, nearly tossing me over the side. I really want to know how this thing passed the safety test.

"Guys! We passed it again!" Maitel shouted, his voice going unheard over Bobobo and Don's squabbling.

"I think I'm gonna blow chunks…" I moaned, hanging my head over the side with the feeling I was about to lose my breakfast. I'm really glad this mask didn't cover my mouth now.

"You don't even have a license!" Don yelled, nearly knocking me over the edge.

"Woah NELLY!" Bobobo shouted as the poptart cat thing came to a sudden stop and I found myself flipping through the air and crashing through what was probably a wall and landing hard on my stomach. I heard the collective gasps of some girls, probably our 'dates' unless we crashed into some poor girl's slumber party.

"I must go. My planet needs me, nyan~" I heard from an extremely deep voice, deeper than Bobobo's, before feeling a hot blast of air and hearing something rocket off. I'm pretty sure that was our ride. Pfft, whatever, good riddance you haphazard death trap that didn't even have the courtesy to put in seatbelts.

"AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOUUUUU!" I could only assume that Bobobo had already jumped into wowing the ladies from their startled gasps.

Sitting up with a grunt—man, crashing through buildings hurt!—I looked around despite the fact that I couldn't see then stood up fully. Well, since I couldn't see and the hectic sounds around me almost drowned everything out—why the heck did it sound like there was a stampede of runaway grocery carts?—I held my hands out to try and feel my way around and followed the sound of the girls since it was our duty to help Maitel get his lady love. Damn Bobobo's chivalry.

Hands stretched out and searching for anything that would help me get my bearings, I suddenly came into contact with something soft and squishy, even a little spherical in shape. Wait… Wh-what? Did I just…? "Um… E-Excuse me, you wouldn't happen to—"

"YOU PERVERT!" And then my head promptly snapped to the side so fast that I was sure I would have whiplash and my left cheek stun like there was a thousand angry miniature bears clawing at my skin. Wait, that means… Holy shnikey, I did! Flushing furiously behind my mask, I immediately backed off, stuttering apologies and stepping back until I bumped into something else that felt hard and rather humanlike. Then I felt being lifted into the air from underneath my arms. Man, I was getting really tired of being picked up lately!

"Woah now! That's not how you treat a lady!" Yeah, I should have assumed it was Bobobo. "You gotta have a little tack first! You can't just go in for the kill, you gotta show them the love before you give it! Ya dig?" I sighed, glad the mask blocked my blush and just nodded to humor him.

"Yeah, I dig."

"That's it! Maitel, we're leaving! And don't ever call me again!" Then there was the slamming of a door and I assumed that our dates left. As soon as Bobobo set me down, I ripped off the mask, looking at it to see that it was a yellow paper plate with a crudely drawn smiley face on it that looked somewhat similar to Don Patch. What a narcissist… Hm… Wasn't there someone we had to rescue…?

"Cathy… Whyyy?" Maitel sobbed quietly and then I remembered. Beauty! We had to rescue Beauty before something bad happened to her! Flinging my mask down and unzipping my sweater, I ran and gave Maitel a swift kick in the stomach, "Looks like you ain't getting any tonight!", and sent Maitel sprawling to the floor in a heap of pain. "Alright buddy, we helped you with your date now tell us where Beauty is!"

"Who… Is Beauty?" Maitel stuttered through the pain, barely lifting his head to look up at out group.

"Don't play dumb!" Don piped up, jumping off the table, "Beauty's the girl that you ordered Tarashi to kidnap and bring to your hideout!" At that, Maitel just smirked, his head dropping back into the floor.

"I didn't order Tarashi to kidnap her. He likes to hunt girls hair on his own and sell it to wig makers on the black market. By now, I'm sure it—" I cut him off by kicking him where the sun didn't shine, leaving him sobbing on the floor for his poor manhood. I turned to Bobobo, who had taken to showing Don Patch how to play patty cake. "So, what do we do now?"

"I reckon we go look for her around the forest. That's where all the action usually happens, right? Right. Okay, let's go!" Couldn't argue with that logic. Stepping out of the eatery after Bobobo and Don, there was one more thing I wanted to do before we left.

"Don Patch?" I called, catching the sun man's attention.

"What do you want?" He sniped, turning around with a hand on his… Hip, I guess, and looking rather annoyed. Clearing my throat, I gestured for him to come closer, noticing how Bobobo had stopped ahead of us and was watching. When he was close enough, I crouched down, taking him off guard by placing a hand on top of his head. Don folded his hand in front of him, his annoyed expression turning into a more curious one as I studied his face for a short while before standing up straight.

"Have a nice trip." Before he could ask what I meant, I pulled my foot back and then kicked him like an NFL football, sending him flying through the air until he was merely a twinkle in the sky. Dusting my hands off, I turned to Bobobo with my hands on my hips and a satisfied smirk on my face. "Okie dokie afro-man, let's hightail it outta here and get Beauty." But, of course, it's never easy with Bobobo. Why do I say that? Because the guy was spread between two sesame seed buns with lettuce and tomato, maybe a little mustard and mayonnaise and was sitting on top of a platform with wheels. "Do… Do I even want to ask?"

"No. Now pull me so we can go save Beauty!" I sighed, noticing how there was a rope that was attached to the platform and took that as an indication to pull him. Heaving the rope over my shoulder, I pulled Bobobo through way we came and, using the power of story fast-forwarding, we found ourselves heading back into the forest in search of Beauty.

* * *

"Beauty! BEAUUUUUTTTTYYYYY!" I called, pulling Bobobo's platform down the trail and keeping my eyes peeled. The sound of coughing caught my attention and I looked ahead, seeing our little damsel in distress sitting against a tree and looking very dazed. "Yoh, hey Beauty! What's shakin' bacon?"

"Huh…? Oh! Alma!" Beauty smiled wide, making me smile in return. Her eyes then turned to behind me, her eyes wide with confusion. I followed her gaze, looking back at Bobobo who just stared ahead with no indication of her. "Oh, don't worry about that. I think he's having a mental breakdown or something." I looked back at her, starting to pull Bobobo along again with her following. "So what happened to that Hair Hunter cat?"

"Alma… It was so strange…" The girl said, her eyes to the sky in thought. "Just as I thought I would have to say goodbye to my hair forever, a boy suddenly swooped in and saved me! He didn't even have to lay a finger on the creep, he was so strong! He was really good looking, too…" My eyes slid to her, seeing how her face had a light tint of pink and she stared dreamily off ahead of us. I couldn't help the sly grin that spread across my face as I chuckled quietly, grabbing her attention. "What?"

"Do I smell a crush?" I laughed again when she shrieked in shock, her face going redder.

"Alma! How could you…? No! I don't have a crush on him! Besides, it was probably a onetime thing! I doubt we'll ever have to see him again!" The way my bells rung told me they had doubts about that, but I didn't say anything. Instead, I focused my attention to my stomach and how I haven't eaten a proper meal for quite some time.

"Man, I hope we find another town soon. I could eat my weight in strawberries, I'm so hungry." My stomach growled to emphasize my point.

"Me too. I could really go for a hamburger right now." Beauty input, laying her hand on her stomach. I looked back at Bobobo, just to make sure he was still there and felt my stomach gnaw at itself in hunger. "Do you really have to be a hamburger right now? You're making me even hungrier."

"Keep pulling!" Was his only demand and I sighed, going back to pulling him to wherever the road took us.


	5. Having a blast in Wigginsville

Hey, guys! I finally got around to drawing a picture of Alma and uploading it to my DA page. Mind you, she's wearing something we haven't seen her in yet but you'll just have to wait until I get to that part in the story to find out why! Also, yes, her swimsuit is blue and orange but it looks blue and red because my scanner is colicky and it hates me. Anyways, the link to my DA is in my profile so just go there and she is should be in my recent uploads. Okay, on with the show!

* * *

And so we went along with our adventure, me pulling Bobobo along on his little platform and Beauty following right next to me. We traveled for many days and nights, passing various things such as an icecube warmer salesperson, a bunch of pageant queens beat out by a donkey, and two people battling mutated animals to the death.

You know, just the normal stuff you'd see hanging around in a giant forest.

"How much longer until the next town do you suppose?" Beauty asked, following along right next to me as I tirelessly pulled Bobobo along. He wasn't as heavy as he looked, surprisingly, but the rope chaffing my shoulder was getting unbearable and I don't think Beauty was carrying around any first-aid kits.

"I don't know, kid. I've never been out this far." Was my only reply as I stared up at the clouds in boredom. I kind of wished Bobobo would stop lounging inside a burger and do something to derail the monotony that surrounded us. Seriously, I was so bored that a part of me was kicking myself for sending Don Patch on a one-way trip around the world with my foot.

Yeah, it was THAT bad.

"I hope we find a town soon. I could really go for a big, juicy hamburger." Beauty commented, her stomach growling loud enough to scare the birds and one creep dressed as a flying squirrel out of the trees. "A nice, big one! With plenty of mustard and cheese and two pieces of lettuce on top. I could really eat my weight in hamburgers, I'm so hungry!"

"Beauty, no offence meant but you're making my stomach commit a self-inflicted homicide here! Can you cut it out?" I called back to her, feeling my stomach trying to eat itself. Gosh darn it, I wish those sleazy weasel bureaucrats didn't foreclose on my kitchen set just for cooking a dolphin! Now what was I supposed to do when I'm hungry?

"Oh, I'm sorry Alma. I know you're hungry, too. That was just my stomach talking, I didn't mean to sound so selfish." Dangit, now I feel guilty! Curse the adorable innocent types like Beauty who can make your blood sugar spike with just one look. Curse them all!

"Hey, hey! Don't say that. I understand but, y'know, just tone it down. I'm close to eating my own foot over here." It was true. My leg was looking particularly tasty right about now. Just chop it off at the ankle and roast it over a fire. Maybe add a little salt and pepper if we could find some, too. Beauty would just have to carry me until we can find a block of wood to glue to my leg.

"Alma?"

"Yeah, kid?"

"You're drooling all over yourself."

"Dang it!" I swiftly swiped my sleeve over my mouth, noticing how my entire sleeve looked like I put my arm in a bucket full of water. Coughing to hide my embarrassment, I swiftly pulled my sleeves up to my elbow and went on like nothing happened. I then looked back at Bobobo just to make sure he was okay and sure enough, he was staring straight ahead and paying no attention to whatever was going on. "You know, you being a hamburger isn't helping out appetites."

"Pull faster, girl!" He just demanded and all I did was roll my eyes, going back to staring at what was in front of me. Seriously, he could at least say thanks to me for pulling him along! I mean, it wouldn't be that hard.

_['Gee! Thanks for pulling me along, Alma, while I was stuck in that giant hamburger for days on end!'_

_'No problem, Bobobo! That's what friends are for, right?'_

_'And you're looking so radiant and clean today! Could you give me the name of the hair conditioner you use to get that sleek shine?'_

_'Sure thing! After all, that scraggily hair of yours is totally throwing of my groove. I could also give you tips on that unruly chest hair, too!'_

_'Oh Alma! You're so good to me! I'm glad you joined me in my fight against the Hair Hunters! You're so strong and smart and beautiful, too!'_

_'Of course! Tell my hair more about how it's so awesome!']_

"Hey, I think I see a town up ahead!" Pulled from my mini head projector, I looked ahead to where Beauty was pointing to see a large archway decorated rather fancifully in flags in the distance. Behind it, I could just make out some paper lamps and several kites flying around along with a cluster of kiosks on the ground with salespeople ready to leech your lifesavings away with their useless junk.

Man, I hated useless junk!

Unless it wasn't useless, then it'd be useful junk and I'd be happier than I frog on a log in the middle of April. But then it wouldn't be useless junk so maybe it's only useless until they grab you by the throat and pull you in with their amazing deals and free offers. But, yeah, back to the town. The town that meant food. Food that meant full bellies. Full bellies that meant that I get to keep my foot longer.

"Well, what are we waiting for!?" And then I took off, the idea of food fueling my body to get there faster. I could hear Bobobo's cart jumping around over every bump but I didn't care. Hopefully Beauty kept up because the minute I'm in that town, it's 'bye-bye birdie' and 'hello all-you-can-eat smoothie and taco stand!'.

"Alma! Slow down!" Beauty's voice rang through somewhere far away but I didn't listen. Not when I could be getting my eating on and chow down on some fine cuisine!

The minute I went through that archway, I dropped the rope that I pulled Bobobo with and immediately began looking around for something to eat, leaving his cart to plow over some expendable bystanders. Looking around and taking in everything there was, my appetite suddenly deflated when I saw what was around us.

Dozens upon hundreds of people all dressed in colorful spandex suits with various food masks surrounded us, chatting away and laughing merrily. Or maybe it was their really heads and their real bodies and we just ran into a nudist colony… Oh holy epidermises, I hope that wasn't the case!

"Huff… Huff… A-Alma… Finally… Caught up…" Beauty ran up alongside me, hunching over and gasping like she just ran an Olympic marathon. "W… Where are we…?" She asked, finally catching her breathe to form coherent sentences. I scanned our surroundings, trying to find any indication of where we were before I just grabbed some random passerby in a light blue suit with a blueberry for a head. "Yo, hey buddy! Slide me you're jib; what's got this place jumping hot?"

"Oh my, how barbaric!" The blueberry person exclaimed with a very snooty and nasally voice. "Didn't you read the sign when you came in? No, I suppose you can't." Ohh, that was low! "Well, I'll spell it out for you. This is Wigginsville's monthly festival."

"Wigginsville?" Beauty asked, tilting her head to the side.

"Yeah, now let go of my suit! This is the finest material money can buy and you're staining it with your greasy hands." Despite the fact that I wanted to stomp this creep's head into wine, I let him go. Turning to Beauty, I noticed how Bobobo was staring at us with a heavy frown on his face and looking like he was about to cry. The man whimpered a bit, his lower lip trembling as I crouched in front of him. "What's got you so worked up, bub?"

"I just… I can't seem to get it!" He held his head in his hand, a river of tears pouring out from under his sunglasses. Beauty tilted her head in confusion, blinking curious blue eyes down at the man. "I've been in this bun for a week! I'm stale and moldy and I still don't know how a hamburger feels!"

"That's heavy, man." I nodded, pretended to sympathize with Bobobo as I patted his hand. "I feel like a failure!" And then he broke out into spiraling sobs, knocking me on my rear with how loud they were. Seriously, did this guy swallow a microphone or something? It was so uncool to see a grown man cry like that and I had no idea what to do other than to awkwardly pat his head in comfort.

"Being an all-beef patty can really be the pits." Someone spoke up and I looked to my left to see some guy in a light brown suit with a hamburger for a head, complete with buns, lettuce, cheese and something else. Broccoli? It certainly didn't look like meat. Unless he was moldy then that'd just be unsanitary.

"Are you all-beef?" Bobobo asked hopefully.

"Nope! Pure avocado!" The man stated proudly then he suddenly found himself being latched on by a sniffling Bobobo. "I never met a vegetable I didn't like!"

"Easy, big boy." Avocado-Burger-Face said, placing a comforting hand on Bobobo's head. "I'm a fruit." And then Bobobo's tears suddenly stopped, the man staring up at the guy before his nosehairs suddenly shot out of his nostrils and whupped that man up one side and down the other. "I don't go for a fruit that talks like a veggie but eats like a man sized meal, ya dig!? Woah! I'm feeling kinda funky! All I wanna do is tickle everyone!"

"THAT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA!" Beauty freaked. I tilted my head, hearing my bells chime anxiously. Something was wrong with Bobobo, the way he was acting was a little too much even for him. Maybe his brain went stale and is covered in mold, too. Suddenly, something off to the side caught my attention. Briefly, I looked back at Bobobo and Beauty, watching as Bobobo began beating people with his nosehairs with Beauty trying in vain to get him to stop. Yeah, she can handle him until I get back.

"Calm yourself down, Bobobo!" I heard Beauty yell not far from where I was from. I noticed how a bunch of the people around me all ran off but I didn't pay attention to that. Now, just a little more to the right…

"Stay right where you are, buddy!" Concentrating, part of me tuned in to what was going on although some of it was fuzzy so I had to adjust my spikes like antennae until it all came in clear as crystal.

"We're not letting you go so you better surrender immediately!" Darn, missed!

"We got you surrounded!" Shoot! Missed again!

"Let's move out!" I heard Bobobo say followed by Beauty's "Wait! Where're you going!?" Oh snap, that was close!

"Stop right there! Not another move or I'll checkmate you into oblivion!" I heard someone else shout but I guess those two weren't deterred by him at all. Ohh, aw yeah! I won it!

"So wait! When you say anywhere, do you mean Anywhere, USA?" I heard Beauty shout, her voice getting faint like she was running somewhere. "Anywhere Lane? Anywhere Boulevard? Planet Anywhere? Where!?"

"Wherever our hearts take us!" I wanna go there!

"DARLING DEAREST!" Finished with what I was doing, I turned, ready to rejoin my friends when I saw Beauty get tackled by some random creep shouting sweet nothings at her. "I love you my cuddly-wuddly snuffle-umffle-wumpkins! Don't leave me, ever!"

"Eat rubber, ya sick freak!" I took a flying leap at the goon, kicking him right off Beauty and into a nearby cabbage patch. "You okay, kid?" I asked, sticking out a hand to help her up.

"Alma! Where did you go? What the heck were you doing!?" Beauty asked, refusing my hand in favor of glaring up at me. I just gave her a thumbs up, grinning and winking from behind my new pink, heart-shaped shutter shades, my many colorful bead necklaces gleaming just to add to the effect. "Hanging loose, sista! Wanna meet my new pet?" I presented a plastic bag full of water, looking in to see a demented looking pufferfish. "I call him Captain Gilliam!"

"That's… Nice." Beauty said, standing up and looking less than impressed. Oh yeah, that reminded me. "I also got this for you!" I gave her a large T-bone steak plushie, one almost bigger than herself, since I had no use for it. I'm such a good person!

"We got you now, frizzball!" Oh wait, don't tell me…

"All that running and you're back where you started so give it up, helmet hair!" Eee-yup! We were surrounded. Well isn't that wonderful? If they were going to treat a paying customer this way then I wanted a full refund plus compensation!

"Can I get fed first?" Beauty asked nervously, trying to buy some time probably.

Bobobo suddenly smirked, the gears of his brain turning out an idea. That was probably the burning scent I've been smelling for the past few minutes. "Who's the best at Wiggin'? He should be the lucky one to take me on! I'm challenging your top dude to a Wiggin' style duel! Come on! Don't be afraid! " Bobobo called to the crowd. I scowled, hearing my bells jingle in annoyance, and looking up at him. What was this 'he' thing? Girls can Wig Out just as well as men can and I'll be a monkey's uncle if I can't prove it to him!

After I feed Captain Gilliam, that is.

The crowd was getting extremely pissed now, exclaiming "Get real, man! This ain't Hollywood and we don't like reality TV!" Wait, what does that have to do with the price of hair tonic on the black market?

"Let's get it on!" I looked up from daintily tossing some thin slices of swiss cheese to Captain Gilliam, seeing the crowd part in confusion to reveal three stick of walking, talking dynamite. The first one was light green and had a headband around his… Head? And carrying a book underneath his arm and wearing thick coke-bottle classes. The second one was black with really beefed up arms and hefting some serious weight. The third and final one was blue and obviously the leader that spoke just by the way he stood there all confident with his hands on his hips. "We'll wig this guy out until the cows come home!"

"It's the Dynamite Bros!" Bluey stepped forward, smirking confidently as he said, "So you're looking for a duel? Fine, but I get to choose!"

"Sounds reasonable." Bobobo nodded. Bluey laughed haughtily, "How about a game of risk? Whoever out risks the other, wins!"

"Fine by me but I get to go first." Bobobo sat down with a laptop, opening it to some stock market game. Bluey started screaming at him about it being 'too risky'. Pfft, Risky was Bobobo's middle name! … Actually, I didn't know what his middle name was. Maybe I should ask him at one point when I wasn't preoccupied with making kissy faces at Captain Gilliam.

"FIVE MILLION!?" I looked up, watching Bluey begin to sob and cry. I guess Bobobo lost the stock market, not like it'd have done much in this economy. Besides, he never paid for anything; everything came out of my own darn wallet. "All that cash; gone! Poof! Vanished into thin air like gold medals from an inspirational bicyclist! Well you know what? Toucans play at that game and so can I!" Bluey suddenly produced a pink zippo lighter, flicking up a flame with ease. "Think you're so clever? Well the competition is just heating up!"

"Don't do it! Think about what you're doing!" Beefy dynamite exclaimed, grabbing hold of his brother in an attempt to stop the ballistic dynamite from blowing himself up.

"If you go, we all go! Think about the message you're sending to impressionably young children!" Nerdy sobbed, hanging on to his brother's leg.

"Who cares! YOLO, suckers!" Despite wanting to kick the dynamite for shouting 'yolo' I watching in amusement alongside Bobobo and Beauty as Bluey lit the fuse atop his head. "I got a pretty short fuse, buddy! It doesn't take much to set me off and the only way for me to win is by taking you all out with a big bang!"

"Well I think you're only a threat to one person." Beauty piped up, smiling as she pointed to Bluey. "Yourself! You're nothing more than a big firecracker!"

"WHAT!?" And just like that, Bluey took off into the sky and exploded with lots of prettyful lights and sparkles. Well, that was anti-climactic. And to think that the entire time, I could have been saving my Gameboy from space alien underwear.

"Well, at least he packed a parachute." I noted, watching Bluey float down to Earth and ignoring the cries of his two brothers.

"Don't think we're through with you!" Oh yeah. The angry mob. I forgot that they were there. "We're not through with you just yet! We have to even the score as per Wiggin law!" The crowd erupted in a fire of angry shouts and agreements, getting loud enough to the point where I could even hear my bells anymore. I quickly jumped to my feet, seeing them close in on us, holding Captain Gilliam protectively to my chest.

"Silence please!" I looked around, trying to find the owner of the loud voice before landing on Bobobo, seeing the top of his afro open and four tiny people standing on a stage. Ooh, impressive! "I can't handle that bad vibe so thank you. This will be… The final performance of our band."

"Nooo! Please don't! We love you!" Suddenly fangirls! Fangirls everywhere, sobbing for the splitting band.

"Where did they come from!?" Beauty gasped, freaking out like she does.

"And for our very last song, Rockin' It with Jungle Heat!" And the band began to play, the singer singing away about animals. I was really glad I had shutter shades on because that song was really bringing a tear to my eye! Besides, Bobobo was doing enough crying for the both of us.

"Please don't break up! Pretty please!" Bobobo sobbed, wiping his streaming tears with a tissue. I took the initiative to sit next to him, patting his shoulder in comfort. "I just love them!" He cried, dabbing his tears. I may be mistaking, but I think I now see why Bobobo was acting a little crazier than normal. The man was like a producer or a promoter of this band. He saw them go from a lowly garage band to the big time, and now he was seeing them fade out as all good stars eventually do. Man, that's deep.

"Hey, Alma. I'm going to that convenience store over there for a bag of chips. Do you want me to get you anything?" Beauty asked, grabbing my attention as I looked up from the sobbing man. "Could you get me some soy milk and a bran muffin? Hold the bran on the muffin and the soy on the milk, though, I'm on a diet."

"Err… Okay. I'll be right back." Then she ran off to a conveniently placed convenience store. I watched her, smiling at the thought of finally getting something to eat. It was about time too, I didn't know how much longer I was going to hold out! Tasty, tasty food after a full week of so or nothing and finally—

BOOM!

I gasped, eyes going wide at the explosion. The convenient store just blew up! Probably because some idiot put a metal spoon in the microwave but that didn't matter! What mattered was that my food was also blown up!

Oh, and Beauty was blown away by the blast.

Wait…

"BEAUTY!" I ran to the spot where Beauty and the store once was, looking around for any indication of which direction she flew. Great, now we'll have to tromp through the forest again to save her. Better go get Bobobo…

Who was now riding a unicycle and juggling flaming marshmallows while balancing an angry snapping turtle on his head… Man, I wish I had that talent.


	6. HalfOff on Dundies in Aisle 6

"Captain Gilliam... Whyyy?" My sobs echoed into the night, Bobobo leading me through the forest as we searched for the one and only Beauty who got caught in an unfortunate convenient store accident. My heart was breaking, my chest tight, my tears coming in full torrents to the point where I could barely see and my nose running faster than a racehorse on steroids. Captain Gilliam, of the P.T.D. (Plastic Transportation Device) Denterprise, went on a long and grueling journey through the plumbing tubes of every single toilet in the world. It broke my poor heart in half to see him go! I shoved my face into the elbow of my sleeve, trying to stop to stream of tears. "I'll neber for-ged you, Cabdain Gilliam!"

Through my crying, I felt a strong hand on my shoulder and I carefully peeked up over my wet sleeve and through unshed tears to see Bobobo in front of me. He stared down at me through his dark cogs with that usual firm set face, his features betraying no emotion that he felt towards my heartbreak. Finally, he said, "He was a brave fish, Alma. One full of integrity, moral, fish stuff and the courage to go where no fish has gone before! It was his dream to explore the unexplored pits of the darkest sewers. He wouldn't want to see you upset like this."

"BUD I LUBBED HIM!" I cried pitifully, my tears coming back full force as I latched on to Bobobo's waist. I felt him pat my back and all I did was cry harder, wetting the front of his shirt and probably making it chafe a bit. I suddenly wiped my nose not-so-inconspicuously on him before jumping away, clenching my fist in front of me as I glared at the night sky with pure determination. "I jud dow we're gonna meed again! Someblace, somebwhere!"

"Hey, look! Monkeys!" The tears suddenly stopped, my face going from depressing determination to wide-eyed shock. It was as if my heart repaired itself just to melt at the one, single word. What word? '_Monkeys_', of course! Their cute fuzzy faces, their adorably long tails, their cheeky grins—Did I ever mention that I loved monkeys? I'll tell you, just in case; I love monkeys! I swiveled around, my bells jingling merrily as I looked in the direction Bobobo was pointing. Sure enough, there was a group of monkeys sitting around a table in a clearing, a couple wearing visors and playing some sort of card game.

Without even staying to hear what else Bobobo was going to say, I was already flouncing over happily to greet them. By the time I approached their table, they already looked so engrossed in their game, a large pile of bananas sitting on top of the table. Leaning over the shoulder of one like it was the most natural thing in the world, I said, "Yo, guys. What's the name of the game?

"Five-card draw with twist. You wanna play?" They spoke with 'ooks' and 'eeks', but thankfully, I took a three year course in Monkeynese. And for you greenhorns out there, let me give you the low-down in Alma's Gambling Class 101. Ahem!

Five-card draw means that we're dealt a complete hidden hand and you get to improve it by replacing the bad cards with new ones that may or may not help your hand. The twist is that you can buy cards by adding more money to the pot. There, you're educated! Now get out of here and go gamble your life away. And if they ask who got you addicted, you don't know me. Shhh!

But, as much as I wanted to play, there were more pressing matters, like finding our pink-haired damsel in distress. "Maybe some other time, guys. We're looking for—" Just as I was about to tell them, I was cut off by a loud crash as something suddenly filled my vision with brown fuzz. I blanched, observing the object in brown fur only to spot the yellow afro on top of its head and realized that Bobobo was dressed in a monkey suit and he broke the table, sending the cards fluttering all over the place while the sky rained bananas.

"Ooka ooka! Eek eek, eee!" Bobobo shouted, his voice shrilly pitched and I stared blankly at him then promptly palmed my face.

"What did you say about my sister!?"

"Let it go, Barry! He's not worth it!"

Ignoring the monkeys trying to hold back one of their own from beating up Bobobo for calling his sister a bowl of unripen guacamole, I turned my attention to Bobobo, tapping his shoulder to grab his attention. When he turned to look at me, I noticed how he had a monkey's snout taped to his face. "What are you doing?" I asked flatly, raising a slender green eyebrow up at the man.

"I'm asking them if they know where Beauty is!" He said before going back to screeching random monkey noises at them. I rolled my eyes but smiled humorously at the man before grabbing his attention again. "So what's the point of the costume?"

"Comedy!" The man shouted, "Now hush! I'm incognito!" Shaking my head, my bells jingling with the movement, I walked around to face the monkeys, smiling as sweetly as I could manage and speaking perfect English to the monkeys. "Have you guys seen a cute little girl with bright pink hair? Probably has an affinity for adorably cute things and likes to scream at anything remotely out of the ordinary."

The monkeys looked at each other, probably debating amongst themselves as to whether to tell us anything after what Bobobo did. Then, a monkey parted the group, wearing dark upside-down triangle sunglasses and a popped-collar black leather jack complete with a jerry curl on his head. He looked at us cooly, crossing his arms over his chest. "So what if we did? You think we'd tell you?" He said, voice low and gravelly.

"Well, yes, actually." I responded, watching the group in front of us. They looked at each other for a moment again, exchanging silent words before the leader looked at us again.

"Okay, we'll tell you—" Well, that was easier than I expected. "—IF you win a game against us." I should have seen that coming. There's ALWAYS a catch to everything. Pausing a moment to have an inner monologue, I weighed my options.

Truth be told, I wasn't that great of a gambler. In fact, every time I gambled, I would end up close to my skivvies because I didn't quit until I won or I was forced to. Sure, I liked to gamble and I knew so much about it from the days that Baldy Bald and I would sit and play to pass the time but I only liked to play if there wasn't something important at stake, like Beauty's whereabouts. If I accepted their challenge, who knows how long it'd take to find Beauty? Not that I was really worried; that little girl had some pretty dang good luck. Besides, the entire time we'd be playing, we could be looking for her and possibly end up finding her a lot sooner.

On the other hand… I couldn't say 'no' to such adorable animals!

"We accept you challenge!" Sliding out my new handy-dandy shutter shades that I got in the last chapter, I flicked them out and smoothly slid them on my face like a total boss! …. Actually, that's a lie. I stabbed myself in the eye with them. "OW! Motherfu—"

"Hey now! This is a family show!" Bobobo interrupted, placing a large hand over my mouth to block out a stream of swears that would no doubt up our already-on-thin-ice chapter rating.

"I don't care!" I cried, holding my aching eye. "These **[bleep]**ing things are going to give me a **[bleep]**ing injury!** [Bleep]** this **[bleep]**! Why did the **[bleep]**ing writer even give me these **[bleep]**ing things!?** [Bleep] [bleep] [bleepity] [bleep]**!"

"Don't make me wash your mouth out, young lady!" Bobobo threatened, holding a bar of menacing looking soap in his hand.

"What the-!? Ugh, you fu—" I immediately stopped when I saw Bobobo raise a brow, holding up the bar of soap in a 'Say it, I dare you' sort of way. Mumbling incoherently, I shut my mouth in fear of the nasty substance and calmed my painfully throbbing red eye, sliding on my shutter shades on a lot more carefully. Bobobo, satisfied that my brief meltdown and sailor's mouth wasn't going to be any more of a problem, casually tossed the soap into his mouth and chewed it before blowing a large pink bubble, attached it to a string with a note and letting it float off into the sky. Staring at the display, I sent him a questioning look but he was already staring intently at the cards in his hand with a fake cigar hanging out of his lip and a visor around his forehead.

"Okay, let's see what you guys can dish out." I sighed, taking the seat next to him and three monkeys, settling into a long night of cards, bad character impressions and segues.

* * *

We played long into the night and before we knew it, the sun was kicking the poor moon behind the mountains like an annoying high school bully and drunkenly swatted away the stars before taking its place in the sky. I narrowed my eyes behind my shutter shades, studying my cards with in intense concentration, determined to win at least one hand. I was already down thirty bunches of bananas, an old miniature grill that I cooked many delicious treats with before a small family of camels decided to take up residence in it and my favorite green sweater. The monkeys sniggered with such confidence, such mockery that I almost felt a pang of resentment towards the little buggers.

Almost.

Damn their powers of adorableness!

And do you remember how I mentioned that my tank-top was my swimsuit? You do? Well, did I mention that it was pretty much backless? I didn't? Well, now you know why I was shivering with my arms pulled tight against my body, trying to conserve any body heat I had left. Bobobo was faring a little better than I was, since he had a whole grove of banana trees growing somewhere within the crevices of his ears but even he hadn't won a hand yet.

"So you ready to give up yet?" The monkey leader grinned haughtily, his sharp incisors gleaming in the morning sun. I glared lightly through the slits in my glasses but then nervously looked at the cards in my hands. I didn't have anything else left to buy some new cards, so this hand will have to do. If this hand didn't win, I silently prayed that Bobobo's would.

About to put my cards down for them to see, I was thrown off by a shrill shriek that broke through the air like Bobobo's nosehairs cut through enchiladas. "Beauty's practicing her jungle yell." Bobobo mused calmly, looking over his shoulder. I looked back, too, humming in agreement. That little girl sure had a pair of lungs on her! Pushing her out of my mind and looking back at the monkeys, I decided to finish the game and threw down my hand of two hermaphroditic seagulls, two doves making out with turtles and Don Patch in a pear tree. The rest followed suit with their hands, each monkey bearing the same confident grin.

"Dang it! You beat me again you damn, dirty ape!" I growled, slamming my fists on the table to see that I, yet again, got the lowest hand with Bobobo following close behind. The leader just laughed, pulling the bunches of bananas, camel grills and my favorite green sweater towards him. Great, now I was going to have to run around the rest of the chapter half-naked for who-knows-how-long! I swear, these guys must have been cheating or something! Of course, I got over it the minute they flashed me their happy little faces.

I'm pretty sure it's obvious by now that adorable things are my kryptonite.

Sighing, I slid my shutter shades off and hung them from my swimsuit seeing as how I bet and lost my favorite top coat to a bunch of chimps and huffed in agitation when I heard my bells jingle in a mocking fashion. I really wasn't in the mood to listen to them! I glared up at them but, sadly, I didn't have to energy to get mad at them so I just stood up from my chair and turned to Bobobo. "You ready to blow this popsicle stand and get Beauty?"

"And five! Six! Seven, Eight! Who do we appreciate? Mac-Mac-MACARONI! MACARONI! Mac-Mac-MACARONI! HYAH!" I blinked, blinked, and blinked again. Bobobo stood not too far off, dressed in the same schoolgirl outfit that I first met him in with braids coming out of his yellow afro and holding a pair of red and gold pom-poms. On each side of him, several different species of birds were dressed the same and holding their own pom-poms, following Bobobo's lead as he led them through an impressive routine that would most certainly make cheerleading finals. Well, I guess I could let him practice a while longer. Who was I to ruin their chance at taking first place? Anyways, it wasn't like Beauty was in any immediate danger.

Eventually, not even five minutes later, while drawings plans for a giant fighting starfish mecha-robo, I heard Bobobo's creepy highpitched voice exclaim in a panic. "Oh deary me! Sorry girls, I've got a prior engagement! See you next week? Alright, kisses!" I looked up from where I sat at the old poker table, the monkeys having run off with their goodies, only to be swept up by a strong arm and I felt myself being pulled swiftly out of my chair and carried around my ribcage by a prancing Bobobo like I was a sack of potatoes. Or hotdog buns. Yeah, I was feeling more like a plain hotdog bun than a potato today; soft, fluffy, whole-grain because being healthy was important with absolutely no starch.

"So, how was practice?" I choked out, trying to make conversation and twisting my head to look at him to do so. "It went great! As long as Juniper doesn't do the robot into Leyla's butt, I think we have a chance of taking tenth this year!" Bobobo exclaimed, skipping merrily along down the route. I nodded, hearing my bells jingle proudly at my good friend. He was going to do so well at finals!

"Let her go, you freakazoid!" Brought back to the present by the mention of one of my favorite superheroes of all time, I twisted my head enough to see we had found our favorite bubblegum-pink haired girl! …. Being held by some fetishist in a black mankini and a pair of… Underwear with a duck's head and neck on his head. Oh now! That guy wasn't even worth being called Freakazoid!

"Sorry I'm late! Cheerleading practice ran long!" Bobobo called, flouncing around to the point where I felt like I had no body mass and I was just flapping in the breeze. I heard Beauty scream in either fright or agitation but I wouldn't have time to figure it out since I felt Bobobo adjusting me in his grip, sliding me around so he held me by my shoulders and my lower stomach. "Get'im, Alma!" And by the time I realized what he was doing, I was sailing through the air like a javelin, crashing head-first into the mankini wearing creep and making him drop Beauty. Heck yeah! Double Team'd!

"STRIKE!" I exclaimed, fist-pumping when I saw the guy lead spread eagle on the ground. Aw yeah! How many people do you know that can do that? Yeah, that's right. None!

Rejoining Bobobo, the man shook Beauty, shouting at her worriedly in all his drag glory. "Guys… Bobobo, I'm glad you're here but I can't look at you." Beauty mumbled, her eyes screwed tightly shut. "Okay, I get it! You don't like the new outfit! Well, that skirt was kind of drafty anyway." Bobobo said, pulling the ol' switcheroo and replacing his original clothes fast enough that the censors didn't catch it.

"Alma… What happened to your coat?" I heard Beauty ask, averting her eyes from Bobobo to land on me. Oh man! How could I tell her that I lost it in a game of cards? Quick, Alma! Think of something interesting to say!

"Well, Beauty, it's a long story full of inner turmoil, teen vampires and homicidal cauliflower. Pop a squat and let ol' Alma tell you." I began, sitting down on a convenient tree stump and patting my knee in invitation to her. The girl tilted her head to the side innocently, regarding me for a moment before taking the invite and sitting on my leg. Smiling fondly, I was about to begin my tale when I heard whimpering and looked over to see Bobobo sitting by himself with his back to me, occasionally looking over his shoulder with tears streaming down from under his glasses then going back to drawing circles in the ground with his finger.

"Aww, Bobobo. You can join in on story time, too." I cooed, trying to comfort the man before he drowned in his own tears. I heard him let out a cheer before feeling a crashing weight on my other leg, wincing as he adjusted himself comfortably with a porcupine stuffed animal then settling in, nearly dwarfing me with his body mass.

"Ahem... So, once upon an 80's kid, there was a bowl of tapioca. It wasn't just an ordinary bowl of tapioca. It was… Fettuccini tapioca!" I heard Bobobo gasp dramatically, clenching the stuffed animal to his chest. Beauty just looked impassive. "So one day, this bowl of fettuccini tapioca was running at the gym to lower his calorie count when—"

"I don't care about your story!" I heard and looked back with such a look of anger that I'm surprised Fetish Man didn't wet his mankini. "I'm Killorino, a trained assassin for Baldie Bald the Third! I was sent here to get rid of you, Bobobo, after his previous assassin failed!"

"Who're you calling an assassin, punk?!" I piped up, pushing Beauty and Bobobo off my lap to turn and glare at the guy.

"Heh, Baldy's gonna have a cow when he finds out you've been travelling with the enemy, Alma. You're in so much trouble, you spook!" Ooh, this creep was going to regret call me that!

Killirino's hands began to glow with an odd, pink aura, saying "I have buns of steel! My mind and my body are equally in tune! Nobody can match my—"

"Fist of the Spirit Bells: Silence Poe!" A giant black hand flew faster than the speed of dark and back-handed that head-underwear wearing freak upside the head with enough force that it sent him gliding through the air and onto his back again. Smirking, fist-bumped the ethereal black hand that emitted from the front bell in my hair. "Alright, score two for the Alma!"

"How… How could you beat me so easily?" Killirino coughed, sitting up as his chest where a giant red hand-print was forming.

"It's cause your underwear is cutting off the circulation!" Bobobo piped up, pointing to his own head as he and Beauty played Go Fish with twigs and leaves.

"I'm a DUNDIE!" All eyes turned to look at the duck on Killirino's head, gasping when the duck head glared back at us.

"A… Dundie?" Beauty asked, shocked to the point where she couldn't even yell.

"A duck and underwear mix." Killorino said, nodding his head and making the duck—err, Dundie—bob around.

"So, you got stuck in the bathroom when they were handing out bodies?" I asked, the black hand disappearing back into my bells.

"No! … Okay, maybe, but I'm still just as quackers as any other duck!" Mr. Dundie scowled, Killorino crossing his arms with vigor.

"He's my partner, and my best friend. Apart, we may be freaks of nature but together, we're a force unstoppable!" Sniff… That's so touching!

"Now say goodbye to the world because your life is scrambled!" Mr. Dundie exclaimed, Killirino getting down into his fighting stance. Bobobo followed his lead, with me right behind him and Beauty seeking refuge behind both of us.

"Stop right there, young man!"

"What!?" The top of Bobobo's afro popped open, revealing an aged duck with a poor comb-over and old people glasses.

"D-Dad!?" Mr. Dundie exclaimed, mouth agape and eyes bugged out of his little head. So Mr. Dundie's dad lived in Bobobo's afro? Makes sense when you think about it.

"I'm very disappointed in you, young man." Old Mr. Duck said, crossing his wings in disappointment. "Joining the Hair Hunters? What were you thinking? You know you've been worrying your mother sick since you took off!"

Mr. Dundie hung his head in shame, everyone silencing to listen to him get chewed out. "Sorry, pops—"

"Don't you sorry me! Look at you, son…. We didn't want this to happen to you. We wanted you to become a traveling chopstick therapist, or at the very least a cover model for Vogue. I think it's time for you to stop playing fighter and come home right now. You're mom has you're favorite soup in the microwave." Mr. Dundie didn't say anything for a moment, staring at the grassy ground. Finally, after several long moments where I contemplated over whether cheesecake was a cake or a pie, Mr. Dundie spoke.

"Father, I…" He paused, seeming to have one of those inner battles with himself. "I can't do that! All my life, I've been trying to find out who I am and where I belong in this world! I was made fun of, mocked, dumped on the night of my prom and even put through the washing machine when my tag clearly says 'Dry-clean Only'! I was at my wits end and one night, Killorino found me in the bargain bin at Savers."

"Son, I don't—"

"Shut up!" Mr. Dundie shouted, silencing his father. I would have 'ooh'ed had this not been one of those serious moments. "Don't you see!? This is where I belong! This is who I am! Together, we have clawed our way from lowly circus freaks to feared assassins!"

Old Mr. Duck fell silent, watching his son who stared back with strong conviction. After what seemed like another irritating long pause, the old duck gave the very lightest of nods. "Well son, if that's how you feel. But remember, no matter what happens to you, you will always have a home here, with us." And then he retreated into Bobobo's afro, the top slamming shut.

There was another pregnant pause, each of us trying to figure out what to do now. Sadly, Killorino was the first to react as he charged Bobobo, his hands flailing with their pink aura. "Enough sentimentalities! This ends here!"

"Snot For You: Nipple Twister!" Bobobo reacted in time, his nosehairs flying out to attack Killirino's nipples. Killorino cried in pain, falling to the ground as the sting became too unbearable and falling unconscious with Mr. Dundie doing the same.

"He should have been a traveling chopstick therapist." I commented, staring down at the Dundie with pity, poking it with a stick I found.

"Maybe he'll figure it out sooner or later." Beauty said from next to me.

"Hey girls! Put some hustle your bustles and let's go!" I poked Mr. Dundie a few more times before tossing the stick down and turning with Beauty to join Bobobo. I immediately blanked at what I saw. Bobobo, apparently not done being a hamburger, was once again planking between two hamburger buns with lettuce on a wooden platform.

I looked at Beauty.

Beauty looked at me.

We looked at each other.

"Not it!"

"Not—Ohhh…" I smirked, sticking my tongue out at Beauty resigned to her fate to pulling Bobobo's platform this time. Climbing on top of the bun, I laid on my back and crossed my arms behind my head, watching the sky as we began to move along. I pushed back any thoughts of Killorino and Baldy Bald or how he must be positively furious at me. Oh well, he'll get over it. But you now what? There's one thing that I'll never get over.

Those darn monkeys still had my green coat!

Also that darn pair of eyes that keeps following us no matter where we go.


	7. Battle of Wiggin' School & Don's Big Day

"So let's recap; Why the three cheese omelet are we back in Wigginsville?" I looked over at Beauty, the girl walking alongside me with Bobobo on her other side as we wandered down the forest trail to the town that tried to blow us up. Along the way, Bobobo and I got into an argument over whether they were called sprinkles or jimmies which resulted in us throwing said sugar chips at each other and she took it upon herself to separate us before we both ended up covered in the rainbow colored ice-cream toppings.

I still say they're called jimmies, though.

"Well, I was thinking that if we find Don Patch and get him to join us, we'll have a better chance at destroying the Hair Hunters." The pinkette explained, the shorter girl looking up at me with a bright smile. I huffed, shoving my hands into the pockets of my yellow hip-huggers, saying, "Why? Other than being confusing, which Bobobo already is, he's virtually useless."

"Still, it's better to be prepared." I sighed, deciding to just let Beauty go through with trying to recruit the little orange sun dude. I personally wasn't looking forward to dealing with him after I kicked him clear across the world but somewhere in the back of my head, I knew where she was coming from and even though I wouldn't admit it, I did kind of miss him. Passing through the gates of Wigginsville, the residents apparently forgetting our previous encounter with them as they passed by us like we weren't even there, Beauty looked around, her eyes wide with what looked to be disappointment.

"I don't see him anywhere." She said, her eyes scanning the crowds for the giant orange being.

"Well, can't say we didn't try. Let's go—ACK!"

"Not yet!" Beauty exclaimed, tugging at the bottom spike of my fauxhawk in an attempt to stop me from running off. I winced, rubbing the spot and hearing my bells chime indignantly at her when she let go to look up at Bobobo. "Do you see him anywhere, Bobobo?"

The man crossed him arms over his chest, smiling positively and saying, "I don't see, I don't know, and I don't care.

Beauty didn't like that apparently because she yelled, "You're just a big oaf with no feelings!"

Bobobo was quiet for a moment and I assumed he ignored her in favor of trying to figure out how a bologna sandwich works but he caught us off guard when he suddenly began bawling loud enough to wake the dead. What made it worse was the fact that he was producing so much tears that I had to pull out my pink kitty umbrella with ears and open it so I didn't get soaked and have to worry about messing up my hair! Frowning, I turned to Beauty and said, "Now look what you did! You made him cry!"

"Me!?" She cried, looking up at me with wide shock filled eyes. I nodded, holding my umbrella in a way that it shielded me from Bobobo's vast amount of tears but kept her out from under it. I'm not helping her when she was so mean! "Yes, you! Now I gotta find some chick flicks and chocolate to make him feel better. Do you know how hard it is to find good chick flicks nowadays?"

"You're a fine one to talk." Beauty snapped, crossing her arms over her tiny chest and glaring at me with narrowed blue eyes. "Who's the one who made him cry because she wouldn't take him to see the Muffin Man?"

I instantly turned away at the mention of the Muffin Man, hiding a shudder and suppressing the thoughts of the creepy old guy who lived on Drury Lane. "I did that for his own good." I said darkly, my voice barely above a whisper, my grip on my kitty umbrella so tight that my knuckles turned pure white. I could feel Beauty's eyes on my back; Bobobo's sobs the only noise that permeated the tension filled air. She was skeptical, unbelieving of my reason and wary of my sudden mood swing but I knew. Oh yes, I knew…

I knew that that dastardly Muffin Man wasn't who he claimed to me.

I knew that he that he lied to every single kid who came to visit him with hopes of freshly made muffins.

I knew that he was dangerous, an evil entity hiding behind the innocent persona of a simple man selling baked goods.

I KNEW that HE—that vicious, spiteful, cruel, nasty, revolting man—didn't sell muffins.

No… He sold CUPCAKES! Without the FROSTING! Tell me that that isn't just beyond the evil of what Baldy Bald the Fourth does! Tell me, I dare you!

"You two…" I heard Beauty sigh irritably and I instantly straightened up, turning back to face her and a still crying Bobobo. Clearing my throat, I closed my kitty umbrella and lobbed it at a line of unsuspecting vegetables, effectively shish-kebobbing them then turning casually back to Beauty who stared at me with a light frown. Clearing my throat, I gestured over to Bobobo, "Hurry up and say you're sorry so we can get on with our search for Don Patch."

Beauty sighed in agitation for a moment but when she looked at the crying man, her gaze instantly softened and she said, "I'm sorry, Bobobo." Then she added as an afterthought, "Where did you learn to be so sentimental?"

"Drama class!" Bobobo immediately proclaimed, standing straight up like nothing happened at all.

"IS THAT WHERE YOU ALSO LEARNED TO ACT LIKE A BUFFOON!?" Beauty cried, nearly bursting our eardrums.

"Special delivery!" The sound of having something special delivered to us made us forget about our poor ears and Muffin Men, all three of us turning to see a small delivery raccoon standing behind us with a brown box. "Hot food delivery! Well, it was hot when I left… Anyways, that'll be three-fifty plus tax. Lots of tax. And don't jip me on a tip!"

"Oh good! I was feeling a bit peckish!" Bobobo exclaimed, flouncing over and taking the package from the raccoon and flopping on the ground with it. I watched him for a moment, also curious as to what we could have possibly ordered.

"Ahem!" My attention was brought back down to the raccoon, seeing him hold his paw out and wiggling his fingers expectantly. Looking back over at Bobobo, I sighed in annoyance when he showed no signs of paying the bill and, reluctantly, I searched my pockets for my wallet. It was when I was turning my pockets inside-out and upside-down that I realized something extremely crucial.

My wallet was in my coat pocket that was kidnapped by a bunch of adorable monkeys!

"Eh… Will a half-eaten sucker cover it?" I asked, producing half a lollipop with a few pieces of pocket lint and hair stuck to it. The raccoon looked at me then at the candy. He then looked around suspiciously, possibly checking to see if anyone was looking, before snatching the lollipop and tipping his hat, hopping on his little pink scooter and riding off. Nodding in satisfaction, I joined the two around the box. Bobobo sat down in front of it, tugging at the tabs and Beauty stood on the opposite side of him, watching curiously as he struggled with the annoying clear tape that always felt as if it was superglued on with gorilla snot.

"What do you think's in it?" Beauty asked, watching Bobobo use his nosehairs to slice through the packing tape and lifting the tabs to reveal…

"Bon appetite!" A giant orange artichoke with species identity issues. Nah, I'm kidding, it was Don Patch. So I kicked him all the way to France? Woo! New record!

"Don Patch? YOU'RE our lunch!?" Beauty asked bewilderedly, Bobobo lifting the plate that Don laid on and inspecting it critically. "I'll eat it if you don't want it." I offered, ready to jump at the chance to finally get something into my stomach after several chapters of nothing but air to eat.

"Nah, I've had worse." I stared at him for a moment before just shrugging, crossing my legs and flopping my butt on the ground to watch Bobobo attempt to munch on Don Patch. I didn't really want to attempt to eat him anyways.

"Listen," Don spoke, assuming the shape of sushi wrapped in seaweed. "You just chow down on me while I do the talking, got it? Now, you guys are traveling while battling against the Hair Hunt troops, right?"

Instead of answering, Bobobo hefted Don up to his mouth, "Here goes.", and began chewing on Don's side.

"Is he tasty?" Asked Beauty. "He could probably do with some paprika." I commented, noticing how bland and tasteless Don looked.

"PAPRIKA!? You eat me with soy sauce, not some icky spice like paprika! Who do you think you are!?" Don yelled, getting his face all up in my grill and looking ready to put the shiz down on me yet somehow maintaining perfect sushi formation. This was when I smirked at Don, producing from my pocket a silver pocket watch and held it up in his face by the chain, grinning smugly.

"I think I'm the renowned and fabled Fullmetal Chef Champion!" The look on Don's face was hilarious but it soon became priceless when Bobobo pulled a face and set Sushi-Don down, saying "Bleh! It's too salty."

"Wha…? But… But… I'm deliciously nutritious!" And so began Don's temper tantrum about not being eaten. Seriously, if he wanted to be eaten so badly then he wouldn't have skipped out on his P-90x exercises! How else was he going to get nice and tender? Besides hitting him with a giant mallet that is but mine ran away and eloped with a giant dish a while ago. Poor, poor, Jameson…

"Don Patch!" Oh look, Blondie and Don's goonies are here, too! Don quickly stopped his tantrum, jumping to his feet and greeting his group casually. "Don Patch! Today's Graduation Day at Wiggin' School!" I perked up at the mention of Wiggin' School. So Don was a student? Innnnteressssting…. "Aren't you graduating?"

"Graduation Day!?" Don gasped, "But I haven't even prepared yet and I have to give a speech about the proper use of 'there', their', and 'they're'!" Spazzing out about grammar usage and how he had to pick up his lucky stuffed moose head from the dry-cleaners, Don Patch took off in the direction of where Wiggin' School was, leaving his band of merry men behind. Beauty watched him go, saying, "I didn't know Don was a student."

"Reminds me of when I went to Wiggin' School." I commented aloud, standing up and dusting off my pants. Beauty shot me a surprised glance, "Since when did you go to Wiggin' School!?"

"A while ago." I replied vaguely, looking at her and smiling as I pointed my thumb in the direction Don Patch went. "I think I'll go say 'hi' to my old teacher." With that, I flicked out my shutter shades (because you can't just go around greeting old friends with no style), slid them on and followed the trail of dry-cleaner bills and receipts Don left in his wake. Behind me, I heard Bobobo ask grouchily, "When's recess?"

* * *

"And so that's the Pogostick in Cream Cheese Theory of Wiggin'. Now then, after I collect you're papers, I want you all to converge into the auditorium for… What's that noise?" The faint sound of music resonated through the air, the bass clearly being felt through the floorboards of the school. It was growing louder by the second and slowly but surely, the students began to hear it as well and slowly followed their teachers gaze to the door of the classroom where the music seemed to be originating behind. One particular student, Don Patch, glanced up from his desk to stare intently at the door.

With the beat getting louder, the teacher began to show subtle signs of anxiousness as if it were slowly dawning on him what was going to happen. The students caught this and they began exchanging glances amongst themselves, to their teacher, to the door, to each other again, out the window at a random flying house and back to the door. The music grew louder and louder still, almost to the point of shaking the floor and the pet avocado plant off a shelf. It was almost unbearable how loud it was, several students covering their ears to protect them from the damaging noise. But, just like a fake climax in a B-movie horror film where the dumb blonde girl goes to open the pantry cupboard despite all the signs that she shouldn't and when she opens it to the annoying screeching noise effect only to find nothing there but some moldy bread and an old box of cereal that she should have thrown out last week, the music just suddenly stopped. Dead. As if it wasn't there at all.

The students, confused, looked around while the teacher took several long breaths as if to calm his speeding heart. Over the next couple of minutes, they went back to what they were doing and Don Patch merely went back to staring idly out the window while trying to balance a pencil between his upper lip and his nose.

Yes, it was as if nothing happened at all.

All was calm.

All was serene.

All was a boring old schoolroom with gum stuck to the seats.

The way it should be.

"AND THE PARTY DON'T START 'TIL I WALK IN~!" Suddenly, the door to the classroom slammed open and sent nearly every student diving out their chairs! It was as if a hurricane just went through the room when the papers began gliding all over the place and the teacher let out a cry, his eyes wide in terror to see the one person he hoped he would never have to grade papers for ever again.

"A-ALMA!?"

"Yoh! What's the hops, pops?" I greeted my old teacher casually, strolling in as if I owned the room and darn tootin', I DID own that room! Figuratively, that is. Do you know what it'd be like to pay rent for a room like that? Too steep for my kidnapped wallet, that's for sure. I pulled the earbud of my walkmen out of my ear and instantly, the annoying music blaring loudly from my bells ceased. From the far corner of the room, I could hear Don Patch's indignant "YOU!?" and, much to his chagrin I imagine, I turned and waved brightly at the sun man. "Heeey, Patchy! Class of 1.5, eh? Nice!"

"Alma! You! What!? Why? But! Catfish!?" I looked back at my old teacher, watching him look as if he were on the verge of a heart attack. Raising a brow, the teacher composed himself enough to yell, "What are you doing back here!? You dropped out two days before graduation all those years ago!" Ignoring the hushed gasp of the students, I grinned and smoothly sidled up to the man who I almost put into an early retirement. "Just thought I'd stop and see my old buddy is all! So how's the wife? She leave you for a refrigerator and gaming magazine selling octopus yet? You know you will always be my favorite, teach'!"

"Please don't touch me." The man whimpered, shrinking away from me and holding up a bible as if for protection.

"Oh kiiiids~" I perked up at the familiar sound of a man-trying-to-imitate-a-woman voice, looking towards the window that Don Patch was gazing out of with a look of absolute horror on his face. "Oh no! That furry bonehead is here, too!?" Approaching the window and leaning over Don to peer outside, I could just barely make out the familiar dot of yellow afro that was for sure Bobobo.

"Kids! You forgot your lunchboxes!" I heard Bobobo, seeing him wave around two bright pink handkerchiefs that no doubt contained our nutritious lunches that the lunch ladies would undoubtedly steal because they were jealous of how good it was and claim that it didn't meet our proper dietary needs. Curse those evil lunch ladies…! Anyways, back to Bobobo.

"Aw, Mom! Not in front of my friends!" I whined out at him, not wanting to look uncool in front of the students that just ignored my existence, only to have my head hit the window hard as Don squashed my face into the glass. "GET OUTTA HERE! You idiots are NOT going to ruin MY special Graduation Day! Go away! Shoo!"

But then suddenly, teddy bears.

Teddy bears everywhere!

They were crashing through the hall windows, through the door and several even managed to come out of the students' desks! It was like a sudden plague of teddy bears and we were stuck in the middle of it!

"Wait! Everyone, calm down!" Don shouted, jumping away from trying to meld my face with the glass and taking favor to calm his panicking classmates. "They're just bears stuffed with beans!" Watching a bear fumble about on the desks, I knew there was only one way to save my old school.

"PLATYPUS SQUAD! ASSEMBLE! CODE APLHA-OMEGA-NINER-NINER!" And just as I expected, several of my platypus friends flew out of the sky on paragliders shaped liked nachos dipped in wasabi sauce and went crashing straight into the outside windows. Like the good grunts they were, they managed to get inside and soon began the epic battle of Twister between the teddy bears and the platypuses.

"Left hand, red! Right foot, green!" I smirked triumphantly, watching my platypus friends dominate the totally innocent game. But, I'm afraid the battle wasn't over just yet…

"Don Patch." I called, looking down at the orange sun man seriously. He looked up at me, his facial expression confused beyond the point of no return. I just hope he'll understand what I'm about to ask of him. "I'll go ahead and see what's causing this teddy bear break-out. I'm putting you in charge of my squadron, understand?" Placing my hands on his shoulder spikes, I stared straight into his eyes, making myself as clear as possible, "Make sure they make it out alive."

"What!?" Without answering, I flew out the door and into the hall, ignoring Don's cries of rage and frustration. Outside, I saw the one person I didn't want to see. The one person I knew was in charge of this whole attack.

"You!"

The person stood with his back to me but I recognized that build anywhere. Clad in his tight blue shirt and black pants, his yellow afro gleaming atop his head in the hall light that set the grave mood. Around him, several bean-filled teddy bears stood at the ready to obey his every command, waterguns clenched in the stub of their paws.

"Bobobo-Bo Bo-Bobo." I greeted, my voice solemn as a gentle breeze blew through the hall and set my bells ringing their quiet dirge. Bobobo turned to me, his face ever chiseled into the serious frown that betrayed no emotion, whatever he was feeling at the time. His sunglasses caught the light, flashing across the lenses as he moved his head down to look at me, me watching him through the slits of my own shutter shades.

"Alma." He spoke after what felt like an eternity, his baritone voice resonating through the air and sending chills up my spine. Somewhere in the backs of our heads, I knew that we both knew that the other knew where this was going to go and there could only be one end to this. Slowly, I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding, saying to Bobobo in as calm a voice as I could manage,

"I guess this is where it ends."

Bobobo didn't make any sort of movement, not even a nostril flare as he sniffed silently. Finally, ever so subtly, he gave a short twitch of his head in a nod. "I suppose so."

Gulping, I took a deep breath to steady myself. I hadn't realized it, but my hands were trembling; I was nervous. I didn't know if I could beat Bobobo. He was amazingly strong, stronger than I could ever imagine or hoped to be. But I was fast, and that's the ace I had up my metaphorical sleeve. That still didn't calm me, however, and I felt like I was taking far too long to prepare. It was when I felt a webbed claw on my shoulder and I glanced from the corner of my eye to see a battle-hardened platypus with a roll of toilet paper on his head as a makeshift hat and a scar over his left eye; My oldest friend, Sir Platypus. "We're here for ya, boss."

It just took that one sentence to fill me with all the confidence I needed. Instantly, I felt my pulse quicken with adrenaline and my nervous frown turned into a confident smile. Nodding my head to my animal friend as he stepped back, I set Bobobo with a stronger gaze than I had before.

"Let's do this!"

And without another word, we launched ourselves at each other, battle cries echoing through the building as we engaged in the longest and most grueling battle we had ever fought!

Our battle waged on for many days and nights, pausing only for small coffee and LOLcat breaks before we continued on with our fight. We were beaten, worn down, ready to just snuggle up in a big kitten pile and take a nap for the next couple of years.

But we knew.

We knew we couldn't just stop.

Not until someone was victorious!

… Or until we were interrupted like what was going to happen in a couple of seconds…

"ALRIGHT! NOW I'M STARTING TO GET MAD!" I heard Don shout but I didn't dare to look up. I may have exaggerated with how long Bobobo and I were fighting, but I didn't exaggerate how hard we fought each other. From over my shoulder, I could hear Don's much more subdued and confused, "Huh?"

"One, two, three!" Rock and rock. "One, two ,three!" Darn, paper and paper. "One, two, three!" Paper and paper again! AGH!

"Give it up, Bobobo!" I growled, matching scissors with Bobobo in our hardcore match of Rock, Paper, and Scissors.

"Not a chance!" Bobobo huffed back as we matched rocks again. By now, my fingers were getting sore and I had no idea how much longer I could keep this up. If only I could somehow break Bobobo's pattern!

"Hey! What in the world is going on here!?" That was all it took before I found myself in the darkest pits of despair you could imagine.

"HAH! My paper beats your rock!" I blanched, feeling all color drain from my face as Bobobo's large hand engulfed my tinier closed fist in a victorious blanket of paper over rock. My eyes widened behind my shutter shades, my mouth agape in pure shock as Bobobo began partaking in a victory dance. How…? No… No! NO! NONONONONONONO!

"TEACHER!" I rounded on my former teacher, seeing him shy away in what I hoped was fear. "How could you? You made me lose…. I WAS ABOUT TO WIN AND YOU MADE ME LOSE!"

"A-Alma!" The teacher shouted meekly, "I may not be your teacher anymore b-but I can still send you to the Principal's office! Do you hear me!?" I didn't hear him. I didn't pay attention. I could feel my aura rising, the blue energy sweeping the ground around me. My bells chimed menacingly as I advanced on my old teacher, fury boiling inside me and feeling ready to boil up my throat and become ugly blue fire. The man quickly backpedaled and I couldn't help but feel a sense of accomplishment at seeing his distraught face. This man will pay dearly for making me lose. Oh yes, he will pay handsomely!

"Prepare to face your doom, mortal schoolmarm! For before you stands the epitome of all that is feared, the being that created the possibility of anguish, the sole master of all that is dark and ugly: ALMA! I now besiege unto you a fate worse than your foolish human brain could possibly imagine." I shot forward faster than the fastest bolt of lightning, my hands wielding my weapon of choice as I readied to end my teacher's existence. "DEATH BY PAPERCUT!"

"Alley-OOP!" But, before I even reached my teacher, I felt Bobobo's hands wrap around my sides before I found myself launched backwards and right into Sir Platypus who easily caught me with no trouble. After making sure I was okay and confiscating my deadly pieces of paper, he sat me down, saying something about greasing the old blender blade and disappearing through a window with Bobobo's teddy bears, leaving me sitting next to a very confused and very irritated Don Patch.

"Mr. Teacher, I'm very sorry about how my Almy treated you! I'll see to it that she gets no desert for a month plus extra chores like cleaning out the litter box and putting the flag down on the mailbox." Bobobo said sweetly, thankfully not using his woman-imitating voice this time. Wait…

"WHAT!?" I cried angrily, unhappy for my punishment. The only reason why Bobobo was kissing up was because he won! I huffed angrily, crossing my arms and sulking next to Don Patch. Briefly, I felt his confused narrowed eyes on me before they quickly shot back to Bobobo.

"But, I would also like to thank you for all you've done for my little Donny!" Bobobo added, folding his hands politely in front of himself. I heard my teacher chuckle a little, both out of nervousness from his near-near death experience and because Bobobo was being civil. Psht, kiss-ass…

"As both an apology and thanks, I would like you to have this." Bobobo smiled, producing a pink box with a big pig's face on it. "It's frozen Pork Rind Soup! Well, it was frozen when I bought it last week." Before my former teacher could accept it, Don intervened.

"That's enough, Momma!" Don Patch yelled, clearly fed up with these antics. "Now you two, GET OUT!"

Bobobo looked at Don, clearly hurt from Don's rejection. Don didn't back down but glared headlong into Bobobo's face. "DON PAAAAAATCH!" Bobobo finally cried out, loud enough that the light fixtures flickered. "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I'M DOING EVERYTHING I CAN FOR YOU!? Pork Rind Soup is outta season now and we can't get any more 'til harvest next spring!"

Joke's on Bobobo! My former teacher's a vegan! I kept this to myself, quietly chuckling in my own dark amusement.

"That's why I felt it so important that Teacher got the very last package!" Bobobo began to sob louder, his tears free-flowing like a broken well. I almost felt sorry for the big guy but then I remembered… He ate the last of my pickled beets.

"You're so… So… UNGRATEFUH-HUH-HUH-HUUUL!" Bobobo turned and hightailed it as fast as he could, his cries and sobs still being heard when he reached the end of the hall. That's when I realized something.

Bobobo forgot me!

"Um…" I cleared my throat, glancing up shyly at my old teacher and Don Patch as they looked back at me. I set them with a sheepish grin, pushing my shutter shades over my bangs and to the front of my first spike so I could see properly. "So… Anyone up for a smoothie?"

"MOVE IT ALMA!" Before they could take me up on my offer (and I'd be saying I'd wasn't grateful because I didn't have any cash on me), two huge nosehairs came flying at me from at the end of the hall. They swiftly wrapped around my torso and pulling me off my feet, sending me flying towards the owner, Bobobo. Not one to be rude and leave before saying good-bye though, I called back to Don and my old teacher, "Don't put this on my personal record!"

* * *

Finally! It was about time for the graduation ceremony! This chapter was dragging on enough as it was!

So after consoling Bobobo and making him a peanut butter and banana sandwich, we came to a temporary peace and decided that Don Patch deserved to graduate with a bang. Sure, we annoyed him throughout class and I'm still a little sore from when he slammed his desk lid on my head when I popped out and tried selling him a Shamwow but I'll admit, I found the orange sun man fun to annoy. Way more than Beauty, at least, who just ignored you after a while. Don Patch actually reacted every time!

And so, we found ourselves standing on the roof of the auditorium. From above, we could see all the kids swarming inside like a bunch of ants over a piece of pre-chewed candy.

"So, what's the plan, Bobobo?" I asked, looking up at the taller man only to raise a brow. The man wore a giant handlebar mustache on his upper lip, a beret on his head and in a red and white striped shirt. Looking down at me, the man lifted one of the skylights and gestured for me to jump down. "Just-a follow my lead!" Ignoring his poor excuse for an Italian accent, I hopped through the open skylight and landed on the stage, Bobobo right behind me with his evil teddy bears. We sat out on the stage, waiting for Don Patch's name to be called and for the orange guy to come waltzing up for his award.

Well, you know what? Waiting is boring! So, I took a seat on the corner of the grey-haired principal's desk, remembering when he had a lot more vibrant hair. Bobobo decided to open a barber shop, and his first customer was none other than my former principal himself. Although, I didn't see the point of the teddy bears standing around looking like angry mafia bosses with their waterguns clutched in their stubby paws. Oh well! Bobobo promised that I didn't have to participate in the carwash afterwards.

"Mr. Don Patch!" Well it was about time!

I smiled, watching as Don walked up the stairs onto the stage. So this was what graduation was like? Makes me wish I stuck around the last two days but, oh well. I didn't need a piece of paper telling me that I could Wig Out!

….

Although, it would have been nice to have something to hang on the wall of my room for people to see.

It wasn't until Don was right in front of us that he seemed to notice Bobobo and I and I have to say, I almost couldn't retain my laughter at his face. I could hear Bobobo humming merrily as he combed and trimmed the principal's hair and soon, I found myself catching his happy mood and humming along with him. I kept my eyes trained on Don though; casually kicking my legs out like it was the most natural setting in the world.

"C… Can't I even graduate in PEACE?" Don sighed, his voice clearly stating that he was at hit wit's end. Smirking, I felt like I had to mess with the orange guy one last time before he got his certificate.

"NO!" And with that, I jabbed my finger at Don, shouting, "Squirtgun Squadron! ATTACK!" Immediately, the teddy bears heeded my command and they began locking and loading their guns, training them on a panicking Don Patch.

"Wh… WHY!?" He quivered and I smirked, seeing his eyes almost bug out of his… Body? Um… Yeah… Anyways…

"Hey! Don Patch!" Oh, Bobobo was done with his appointment! "Snot For You: Bababa-Ba Ba-Baba!" Ah, I get it! It was like a play off his name. Haha, funny… Suddenly, the teddy bears went soaring through the air as giant black nosehairs whipped at them, screaming in terror as they rained back down on the stage. The nosehairs retreated back into Bobobo's nose and the man turned to Don Patch, looking down at him and producing a sheet of paper with Japanese writing all over it. "It's for you. Congratulations!"

I had no idea what it said but I assumed it was his diploma. "Way to go, champ." I smiled down at a crying Don Patch, the guy gratefully taking his diploma and holding it tight.

"Thank you… Thank you both! I'm grateful…" Don cried and soon, we found ourselves walking out of the auditorium with Don Patch on Bobobo's left and me on his right. I'll never be sure of it, but I'm pretty sure I felt a deeper connection between myself and the two men with me. I know for certain that my bells were chiming with something I didn't recognize but I just let it got for now, assuming that they were silently congratulating Don in their own special way.

"You know…" I suddenly spoke up, catching Don and Bobobo's attention. Looking over at them for a moment, I stuffed my hands into my pants pockets and continued walking forward, setting my sights on the horizon in front of me as if I had something profound to say.

"I'm still wandering around half-naked."

And just like that, the boys seemed to hum in either indifference or agreement and together, all three of us walked off towards Wigginsville and to new adventures.


	8. Special of the Day: MackerNapperLibut

"Seriously, how can people go through life like that?"

"Yeah, yeah! And then they yell at us for having them!"

"You can't even do anything like hide money or candy in it or anything, either!"

"Geez, what a bunch of freaks!"

"I mean, honestly, how can you be happy in life with an outie belly button!?"

That was basically the topic of the conversation Don Patch and I were having behind the scenes while we were wandering back down to Wigginsville to pick up Beauty. Honestly, we should put her on a rope and tie her to Bobobo so we would stop forgetting her. She WAS the ingénue of the story after all so it was kind of important that we remembered to drag her along everywhere otherwise we would have realized our dreams and joined that can-can group of girdle wearing snapping turtles back a couple of yards.

Darn Beauty…

"Oh, hey guys! You're back!" Speaking of… Beauty looked up at us from her spot on the ground near the entry arch of Wigginsville. A couple of Don's henchmen and Blondie sat around her, Blondie leaning over with his butt sticking methodically straight in the air as he tried to strategically pull a block out from under the jenga tower. Honestly, I was half-tempted to give him a swift kick in the rear just to ruin his game buuuuut I didn't since I'm nice.

Also because I didn't want to scuff the only pair of shoes I owned.

"So what's up?" Beauty inquired only to get a face full of diploma paper as Don Patch all but shoved it in her face.

"I'm a graduate!" He announced proudly, Beauty smiling and congratulating him on his success while Don's little followers all cheered happily.

"That's great, boss!"

"Congratulations, boss!"

"Yeah, congratulations!"

"Can we go to the zoo now?"

"He also cried like a baby when he got it." I intervened, grinning widely when I saw the look of horror that quickly overtook Don's once beaming smile. The little mini-mafia and Blondie openly gaped, glancing between me and Don, looking positively shocked. Maybe that was a little mean of me to say that but you know what? I had a perfectly dang good reason for doing that. The reason, I hear you ask?

The reason being that Don ate the last of my strawberry Pocky.

Yeah, I figured you'd all agree with me!

Before I could flee for my life while laughing like a maniac the whole way, Don Patch was upon me like a swarm of angry bees. And trust me when I say that I can't stand bees. "YOU LIAR! I DIDN'T CRY! I HAD A PIECE OF MEDIOCRE STUCK IN MY EYE FROM YOUR POOR PERFORMANCE! I MEAN, PLATYPUSSES!? WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THAT!?"

"Oh heck no! You did NOT just insult Sir Platypus!" I yelled back at the angry sun man, fuming that he would dare to say such a thing. Roughly, I pried off Don's hands that were balled around my shoulder straps and slammed him into the ground like an NBA all star. Dusting my hands off haughtily, I glared down at Don, saying in a voice that promised a lot of pain and suffering, "No one, and I mean NO ONE, disses the platypus."

"Don Patch!" Blondie yelled, the orange guys concerned for their boss's wellbeing while Beauty and Bobobo watched the scene with what I perceived to be mild amusement. I ignored him, turning to perform my unflinching walking away scene and possibly earning some badassery points for my résumé. But, turns out, Don decided to recover and bite my ankles like chihuahua on speed just as I was taking a step and promptly made me fall on my face with a loud, "OW!"

"That was for the ramen." I lifted my head, turning over and propping myself on my elbows to see Don looking at me with a scathing glare. He then took a deep breath, shouting, "IT WAS STALE!"

"THEN TRY THE SPAHGETTI!" I shouted back, kicking Don Patch in the face and prompting him to pounce on me with an enraged battle cry. So began our tussle; hitting, biting, poking, pinching, slapping, spitting, shouting random insults at each other—"YOU SON OF A MEATBALL!", "YOU HEDGEHOG RIP-OFF!"—I could only imagine what we looked like. Our fighting picked up lots of dust, surrounding us in a cloud of dirt that completely blocked off outside eyes and made us very, very thirsty.

"Guys! GUYS! Stop! Please!" I heard Beauty cry, pleading. I would have considered it if Don didn't hit me in the face with his purse.

"Get'er, Boss!" I heard Blondie egg and I took advantage of the moment when Don paused to let his ego inflate to smash a rusty frying pan into his side.

After several minutes of Don and I beating up on each other, we came to some sort of mutual understanding after we beat ourselves bloody and decided to take a break. As dust began to clear, I could almost hear the sound of jaws hitting the floor.

"Would you care for a biscuit, Mr. Patch?" I offered a tray of the baked goods, Don sitting across from me on the ground with a saucer in one hand and taking a polite sip from his teacup, his pinky classily protruding up in the air.

"Thank you, Lady Alma. More tea?"

"Yes, please, thank you. Lovely weather today."

"Indubitably. I think I will take a stroll around park later today. Would you care to join me?"

"Ah, I believe I shall. Perhaps we could detour down Lakeside Avenue and sample the jelly tamales."

"What is WRONG with you guys!?" Beauty cried, interrupting our nice brunch together.

"Okay, gang. Time to go!" Bobobo suddenly announced, bringing my attention from Beauty to him.

"Whaaat? Why so soon? We haven't even made it to cake yet." I whined, one of Don's henchmen taking my saucer and teacup away. Bobobo turned away slightly, his hands stuffed into his pockets.

"Wherever there's a head of hair being threatened by a criminal clipper, I'll be there." Great, he was having one of his enigmatic moments. Best to go along with it, I suppose. Sighing, I stood up, dusting my pants off before joining Bobobo's side and mimicking his pose, putting my hands into my pockets. I was actually getting pretty tired of this place, anyways. There was absolutely no place that sold smoothies.

The sound of someone clearing their throat made us pause just as we were about to blow this popsicle stand and I looked over, seeing Don Patch staring after us. "If you guys have enough room, I'd like to come along."

"Sorry but we already have a mascot." I said flatly with thinly veiled sarcasm, blinking pink eyes down at the little orange dude.

"What are you talking about, Boss?" Blondie suddenly said, sounding as though he was about to cry. Aw, poor kid. Guess being Don's number one goonie was all he was good for. "You can't leave! What will become of us? HOW WILL WE EVER SURVIVE IN THE BIG WIDE WORLD WITHOUT YOU!?"

"And who will make us breakfast?" One of the orange spheres chimed in, tears welling in his big blue eyes.

"And read to us and tuck us in at night?"

"And kiss our boo-boo's better when we get hurt?"

"Sorry guys…" Said Don solemnly, "But I have to do more Wiggin'. When I'm with these three, I can Wig Out as much as I want to! And that is the real reason I'm going to go on their journey with them!" He suddenly paused, looking bashful as he looked back up at Bobobo, "That is, if it's all right with you."

Bobobo didn't say anything at first; he just stared down at Don Patch with his forever unreadable expression. Finally, after what seemed like several minutes, the man said, "It's no hair of my back."

"Bobobo!" Don cheered brightly.

"I'm walking." And with that, me, Bobobo, Beauty, and a newly acquired party member Don Patch began walking out of Wigginsville for hopefully the last time.

"Wherever you go… Send me some postcards!" I could hear Blondie along with the rest of Don's former mafia cry before Wigginsville was out of sight and out of mind as we carried along with our adventure.

* * *

"GET IN THE BASKET!" Don Patch charged at me with the baby carriage, the look of pure murder on his face as I narrowly dodged him again.

It seems that Don Patch was missing his mini-mafia because he was having a sudden fit of maternity. "Gnah! Bobobo! Don's antagonizing me!" I cried, narrowly dodging the sun man before fleeing back up the path towards Bobobo.

Don managed to skid to a stop, pirouetting with the baby carriage and chasing after me in woman's makeup and heels, "JUST BE MY BABY!"

"I DON'T NEED ANOTHER MOM!" I yelled, ducking behind an irritated looking Beauty.

"POWER UUUUUUUUP!" Bobobo suddenly shouted, clenching his fists tightly as a bright yellow aura flared around him and nearly blinded Beauty and me. "FULL POWEEEEEER! HYAAAAAA—" The power that Bobobo was exerting was immense! If I wasn't so used to such pressure from personal experience, I would have been swept off my feet like Beauty was! But… Why was he doing it? Don was only trying to be a mom, he doesn't deserve to be hit by whatever attack Bobobo was powering up for!

… Actually, I couldn't care less. Don was a big fat meanie to me.

Still, with this type of power… Bobobo could just as easily hit us with such a kamikaze attack! And since I wasn't feeling like having my limbs blown off today, I took it upon myself to try and stop him.

"Bobobo! It's okay! It's really not that bad!" I called, only to be hit by a huge blast of air that almost knocked me on my rear.

"—AAAAAAAA—"

"Bobobo! Seriously! ENOUGH!" I felt Beauty latch on to me, trying to stop herself from getting blown over.

"—AAAAAAAAAA—"

"Dude! Knock it off before I whack you one!" Don took a shaky step back, teeth gritting in fear as he watched the powerful man before him.

"—AAAAAAAAAAAAA—"

"BOBOBO! STOP—"

_Poooooot~_

…..D… Did Bobobo just….?

"B-Bobobo…?" Beauty asked tentatively, her eyes wider than normal as she could barely comprehend what just happened and I didn't blame her! Then, just when it couldn't get worse, we got hit with what may as well have been a brick wall.

"Oh SNAP! THAT'S JUST NAS-TAY!" I cried, eyes welling up and covering my nose from being assaulted anymore by a very Bobobo aroma that I'm pretty sure would cause some internal damage. Man, whatever Beauty was using to help her cope with the smell, I wish she would have shared it with me!

"Congratulations, ma'am. It's oak." Through my tearing eyes, I could see that Bobobo held in his arms a light green blanket swaddling something that we couldn't see. He presented it to Don, who gasped and held his hands over his mouth, tears streaming down his face.

"F… For me…?" Don whispered femininely, stretching his arms out to grab the blanketed bundle of joy and cradled it in his arms. Forgetting about Bobobo's fragrance, I followed Beauty to curiously lean over Don to see what was in the blanket.

"It's… A wooden doll?" Beauty questioned, staring at Don like he was insane which he really was so I don't know why she acted like she was in denial over it.

"It's not just a wooden doll!" Don growled viciously, nearly biting off the pinkette's head with his oddly sharpened teeth. And just as fast as fruity gum runs out of flavor, he was back to cradling the doll and nuzzling it against his face lovingly. "It's my daughter."

"So… What's her name?" I asked, partly because I wanted to direct his attention from a scared Beauty and also because I truly wanted to know. I also hoped that this made me an aunt now!

"…. Yaya…" Don answered after a while, smiling down at his new 'baby'. "Her name is Yaya." With finality and surprising gentleness, Don placed Yaya in the carriage that he had previously been trying to harass me into and proceeded down the path like nothing happened.

"… I think it's only going to get worse from here." Beauty said, looking absolutely drained from that little episode. I don't know why since she barely did anything. Shrugging, I just let it go and proceeded to follow next to Don, leaving Beauty and Bobobo to trail behind us.

* * *

I stared vacantly at the clouds above me, arms crossed behind my head as I lay in the cool grass and lazily traced out images in the fluffy chunks that made me hungry for whipped cream and reminded me that Bobobo had chased an ear of corn into the forest not too long ago. That's when we decided to set up camp and take a rest as all we had been doing lately was nonstop travel. Don't get me wrong, we had boundless energy but even the most rowdy rebels needed to take naps sometimes.

Also because chasing after Bobobo would have been too logical and we were a bunch of lazy-butts to do it anyway.

"Alma, could you please get the fire ready for tonight?" Beauty called, dropping some twigs she had gathered. I frowned, not wanting to get up from my spot but one look from her pleading eyes made me change my mind.

"Fiiiine." Standing up and walking over to the makeshift fire pit, I pulled a large metallic box out of the pocket of my hip-huggers and pressed the single blue button that took up the entire thing. The ground suddenly began shaking like there was a stampede of angry hippos running at us, to the point where Beauty was nearly knocked to the ground for the second time that day.

"W-What did you do!?" Beauty cried, latching on to a nearby tree to steady herself as she stared at me with fear stricken eyes. I didn't reply, just standing like the ground wasn't trying to split itself open and staring ahead of me, eyes narrowed sluggishly.

"What is all this rumbling!? It's interrupting my beauty sleep!" I heard Don yell as he emerged from the tent, his face painted with some icky green gunk and cucumber slices placed daintily over his eyes. I ignored him, tapping my foot as I waited patiently.

Finally, after what seemed to be hours, a massive crane being driven by one of my many platypus friends emerged through a conveniently wide enough space between the trees. Motioning around, I gestured to the fire pit that Beauty had painstakingly made and signaled for the driver to drop what he was carrying. With a loud thump! my kitchen set that I used for Cooking with Alma fell right on top of the pit. Nodding to the platypus, the weird abomination nodded his head in return then drove away to wherever it came from.

Turning back to disturbed looking Beauty and Don, I placed the Kitchen Set Call Box back into my pocket and said, "Done."

"What? But how!? I thought it got repossessed by a bunch of rich weasels." Beauty cried, running up next to me to inspect my mobile kitchen. Smiling knowingly, I put my finger to my lips and winked at the young girl, "It's a secret."

…. Okay, I stole it sometime between abandoning Bobobo and Beauty in Wigginsville and following Don to the academy. But don't tell anyone!

Smiling at Beauty's confused gaze, I took a step onto my Martha Stewart-esque kitchen set for the first time since chapter number one. Man, it felt great to be back! And not a whisk out of place, too.

….

Wait a minute…

Wait one cotton pickin' minute!

Hang on!

Hold your horses!

My bells were jingling and my skin was prickling. Something wasn't right. Something WAS out of place. "Hmm…"

"…. Alma?" I heard Beauty but I didn't pay attention. Narrowing my eyes, I walked around the island counter of my kitchen, eyes shooting back and forth from one thing to another, hunched low like I was expecting to be attacked by a hitman jaguar.

"What's her problem?" I heard Don, apparently having given up on his beauty sleep or whatever he was up to. Placing my hands in front of me, I clasped them together with my index fingers pointing outwards and my thumbs up like some gun-happy little kid, pointing my fingers at various objects.

The toaster—_chime~_ The cabinets—_chime~_ The pressure cooker—_chime~_ A family of miniature polar bears sitting in my refrigerator—_chime~_

Each object I pointed at, my bells gave off a light ring before settling back down into a small lull. I was starting to feel a little paranoid; maybe my bells were shot or something. Or maybe Don Patch was rubbing off on me… I sighed, about to give up until I pointed my fingers at the oven—**WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! AWOOGA! AWOOOOOOOGA!**

A-ha!

"Alma! What's going on?" Beauty cried over the din my bells her making, covering her ears and Don doing the same. Smirking triumphantly, I released my hand formation and my bells instantly stopped making such an awful racket, and walked over to the offending oven. Dropping open the door, I raised an eyebrow at what I saw in there.

Some random vegan lions had taken up residence inside my oven but that's not what caught my eye. Reaching in, I pulled out the object that was the source of my suspicion. Long and metallic, it was about as long as my forearm and gave off an oddly dark aura that made my bells chime ominously.

"What's that?" I heard Beauty walk around over, looking curiously at the object in my hand.

"A needle." I answered, tilting it back and forth. Humming in thought for a moment, I experimentally bended the needle a couple of times. "… My Fourth Wall senses are tingling."

"Huh?"

"Hey, Don Patch!" Said orange guy perked up, looking away from the sun and at me with an annoyed look. Smiling, I shouted, "GO LONG!" and threw the needle as hard as I could at him.

"Wha—?" Before he could finish his question, the needle hit him and then he poof'd into a purple sweater. Oh, hey! I needed one of those!

"YOU KILLED HIM!" Beauty cried, eyes bugging out of her head. Picking up the sweater, I was happy to see that it was basically a purple version of the green sweater I once had, complete with the cheeky monkey face on the back!

"It was a sacrifice on his part." I said, pulling the article of clothing on. Adjusting the sleeves, I stared solemnly at the warm cloth, saying, "He sacrificed his own wellbeing for the sake of my comfort and for that, I will not let his death be in vain. I shall wear this sweater with pride as a testament to him. Don may have been a self-centered, narcissistic thingamabob but deep down inside…. He was a warm purple sweater."

"But you're the one who threw the needle at him." Beauty sighed with resignation when she realized that I didn't care. Suddenly, the cabinet above her burst open and in a flurry of speed and orange, I was hit by an angry Don Patch who was trying to claw my eyes out.

"I KNEW IT! YOU WERE TRYING TO KILL ME ALL ALONG! YOU WANT TO STEAL MY SPOT AS THE MAIN CHARACTER DON'T YOU?! WELL WE'LL SEE HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO BE THE MAIN CHARACTER AFTER I PUT YOU IN A BODY CAST YOU TWO-TIMING TOOT!" He yelled, squeezing my neck tightly and shaking me as hard as he could.

I grabbed his arms before he could rattle my brain, prying his hands off. "Chill out, bro!" And then threw him into the open freezer, running after and slamming it shut. Beauty just watched the whole scene with little to no interest, probably already used to these antics. Maybe I should try to get her more involved so she doesn't feel so left out…

"I'm _ba-a-a-a-a-ack~_" Came a very sing-songy voice and we looked over to see Bobobo standing there with a fishing rod over his shoulder. "I caught a big one!" He declared, holding up a metal bucket with an odd looking fish in it.

"THAT'S A HAIR HUNTER!" Beauty cried fearfully. Psht, she has to cry Hair Hunter at everything she sees, doesn't she?

Bobobo looked at the bucket curiously, "You mean this isn't a mackerel?"

"You big bone-head!" Don snapped. When did he get out of the freezer? "He's a snapper!"

"You're both wrong!" I intervened, placing my hands on my hips. "That's a halibut!"

"It's a Hair Hunter!" I heard Beauty try to interject.

"No. It's obviously a snapper! Look at the scales!" Don pointed out.

"But look at the fins! It's some sort of halibut, I'm telling you." I said, taking the bucket and fish from Bobobo and pouring it out on the island counter of my kitchen.

"Hmph! Well, it won't make much of a difference when we get some teriyaki sauce on it." Don reasoned, climbing onto the counter as I readied the sauce that we would glaze it in.

"That sounds great! I was hoping to have a barbeque. Maybe Alma can make her famous pea and garlic casserole to go with it!" Bobobo cheered, taking the third brush and joining us in painting the thick black liquid over the macker—napper—libut. Yeah, I just made that up. Aren't I clever?

"Sounds good to me!"

"GUUUUUUYS! YOU CAN'T COOK HIM!" Beauty hollered with what sounded like anguish and irritation in her voice. Psht, I don't know what her problem is. I thought she was hungry—

"Uh…" The macker—napper—libut's eyes suddenly shot open, stark white against the dark teriyaki glaze. We paused, staring at it in confusion. It just stared back up as us blankly for a moment then suddenly sat up like a creature from a horror movie.

"AAAH!" I screamed, Don and Bobobo screaming right along with me. In all my years of cooking, I've never had a fish just suddenly sit up like that. It was so unnerving! Don jumped into my arms, still screaming loudly and in turn, I jumped onto Bobobo just as the man jumped back away from the counter and living-fish thing. We watched as it began to wipe off our painstakingly spread glaze with one of my spare towels, revealing that his wasn't a macker—napper—libut but, in fact, a Hair Hunter! Who would've thunk it!?

"How did you see through my disguise and now that I was a Hair Hunt trooper?" The Hair Hunter said to Beauty. The girl sighed, looking drained as she replied monotone, "Years of training."

"Well, it doesn't matter anymore." The Hair Hunter said, jumping off the counter and landing in front of us. "I'm the commander of the Hair Hunt Troops River Block: Kodebun!"

"Ohh, the guy who hangs out with fish all day." I piped up, Bobobo placing me back on the ground while I released Don, letting him fall at my feet.

Beauty glanced at me, eyes fearful, "You know him?"

"Well, duh! I only lived in the Chrome Dome Empire for six years." I said, rolling my eyes at her.

"Hmm, Alma… I originally came here to destroy Bobobo-Bo Bo-Bobo but now that I can see the rumors are true, I can just take you back to Baldy with me! It'll be killing two birds with one stone." Kodebun smirked which I answered with a cool stare. Well, it would have been cool if my bells weren't chiming anxiously and my heart wasn't trying to jump through my ribcage.

"Can I say something?" Bobobo interrupted, standing all chill with his foot propped up on Don's back and a hand on his hip. We glanced at him curiously, wondering what awesome line he was going to deliver with such a cool pose. Tilting his head to look at us, he said, "I am still really hungry."

…. Well, there goes my expectations down the drain!

"….. That's it?" Kodebun asked, confused and probably just as disappointed.

"PREPARE!" Bobobo flung himself into the air, performing several twists, flips, and turns that would probably make even the most flexible gymnast weep. "Super Snot for You! NOSEHAIR REVOLUTION!"

Bobobo's nosehairs spiraled out of his nostrils at Kodebun in an attack that would let this fight be over faster than Don Patch on a sugar high. But… Wait…. Kodebun seems to have been hitting the gym lately because he easily flipped out of the way of Bobobo's attack!

"He dodged it!?" Beauty cried, shocked and awed.

Kodebun chuckled, looking over his shoulder at Bobobo. "Super Snot for You: Nosehair Revolution won't work on me. I have the power the read what people are thinking, meaning I'll know what attack you'll use even before you do."

"Then I won't think about the attack until after I've done it!" Bobobo declared haughtily. I gazed over at Kodebun, hands stuffed into the pockets of my new purple sweater. If he could read people's minds then wouldn't have been easier to just read one of our minds from a distance then organize an ambush?

Then I remembered; that'd be too logical for someone in the Hair Hunt troops.

"Wait." Our attention was brought over to Don Patch, "Let's really test him." The short little dude sported a chicken's beak with cardboard wings tied to his arms and a red rubber glove attached to his head along with chicken feet slippers. "BWAAAAAAK! Can you read my mind? Read it! Read it! I'm going cluckers over here! Bwock, BWOCK!"

"This doesn't make sense!" Beauty yelled, only to earn a raised eyebrow from me. Since when was anything we did supposed to make sense?

My attention was brought back to Kodebun when he suddenly produced a cucumber, tossing it off somewhere which Don happily chased after. "Now I believe you!" He said, wearing kitty cats ears now, "You can read minds!"

And here I was thinking that Don Patch would actually be useful… Hm…

"Now let's see what you're thinking, Bobobo!" Kodebun's eyes flashed red. The confident smirk on his face slowly melted into a confused frown, the guy knitting his eyebrows. Bobobo stood there with a dumb grin on his face, staring up dreamily with a little bit of drool dribbling down the side of his face. Kodebun's eyes widened, the man leaping forward and shaking Bobobo, yelling, "No! It's too risky! Nosehairs aren't supposed to hold that many at once! You'll rip them right out of your head!"

"What could Bobobo be thinking about?" Beauty wondered out loud. I glanced up from playing 'keep away' with Don's cucumber. Bobobo seemed to break out of his stupor, holding up three little round things on strings.

"Now don't tell me… You want one!"

Kodebun watched him, his eye twitching a little. "No way, you freak!"

"Pick a color!"

"I wonder if they come in blue." I said, smacking Don in the face with his cucumber and taking to standing idly by Beauty who had taken to looking at me in annoyance.

"You don't even know what they are and you want one?"

"GRRR, I'm getting nowhere with this… I'll just have to shave the girl's hair first!" Kodebun rounded on Beauty and me, running at us like a bat out of hell.

"Oh no you don't, buddy!" I growled, jumping in front of Beauty, hands forming in the Spirit Bells Fist formation. I don't know how much good that'd do because the guy could read flippin' minds! And my physical strength was none existent so I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

But then suddenly, when I thought I was going to have to lure Don into being a meat-shield, we were blinded by a bright light. I winced, shielding my poor eyes against the light that threatened to melt them and then possible having to rely on Don Patch to be my Seeing Eye dog. And you know how that'd go over! He'd walk me into a corn maze and leave me there to die of starvation and then where would we be? Without a story, that's for sure.

When the light dissipated, I hesitantly glanced over my arm to see that Kodebun's attack was stopped by… Um… A giant purple nosehair? Dang, that's awesome! The purple nosehair twisted to look at Beauty and me and I could see that the word 'King' was labeled on his forehead and he wore sunglasses like Bobobo. In front of him, his hands easily holding back Kodebun's fist. "Hey, pretty ladies. I hope you weren't hurt."

Was it me, or was there some jazz music playing from somewhere cause this guy was smooth!

Kodebun scowled, perform a series of impressive back-flips away from the purple nosehair. "And just who are you?"

The purple nosehair faced Kodebun again, his fists on his hips. "Well, I'm known as King Nosehair but you can call me Slick."

"Huh?"

King Nosehair just chuckled, waving his finger at Kodebun and 'tsk'ing. "No one treats some fine ladies like that which means you've got some explaining to do."

Seriously, I can't be the only one hearing that smooth jazz music!

"Hm?" Bobobo hummed, sniffing a couple of times. "What's up with this nosehair? Better get rid of it." And then he promptly pulled it out. Man, Bobobo must be tough if he could handle that kind of pain!

"NOOOO!" King Nosehair cried, falling to his knees in agony and pounding the ground. "Please tell me that didn't happen! NO! NO! NO! Three-thousand years of sleeping only to be pulled like a weed from the garden! Well, I won't sit here just to be washed down the shower drain like this! Before I go, I will fulfill my life's dream! And that dream is… To use a red bicycle to enter a bicycle raise." And then he hopped on a red bike and rode off into the sunset.

"That was… Odd…" Beauty said. I wanted to tell her that she's traveling with a group of oddballs but I didn't. Instead, I looked over at Kodebun.

"Hey, Fish Face! Guess what I'm thinking right now."

Kodebun looked at me, rolling his eyes in annoyance. "I don't have to guess, I just have too—" His eyes widened in fear, his mouth hanging agape. His eyes rolled back into his head and he then fell to the ground, writhing in agony and his mouth foaming. We watched him until he was unconscious, and then Beauty looked at me.

"What did you think about?"

I shrugged, "I just pictured Bobobo in a corset and fishnets."

It was her turn to look at me with shock filled eyes, her body shuddering as she looked at me in disgust. "You're disturbed."

"Beats what I actually saw him in." I said, remembering all the way back to chapter one and suppressing a violent shudder.

"Alright! Time for a bike ride!" I was suddenly pulled onto a blue bike, Don jumping up to sit on the handlebars. I raised a brow for a moment but just shrugged and went with it. A nice bike ride sounded good right now!

Bobobo sat on his own green bike, Beauty tentatively hopping on the handle bars of his bike. "First one to go down the block, around the corner, through the fish market, criss-cross by the trees and back home pays for ice cream!" Don cheered and so we took off, leaving behind my self-mobile kitchen set and a pair of eyes burning into our backs.


	9. Aliens have a weakness for rice soup

This. Was. A. NIGHTMARE! It was like some giant mass of squid ink came up and sucked all the fun out of the air! The world decided that it didn't need the entertainment anymore and just smooshed it out of existence! By some dark twist of fate, this had become the worst journey in the whole world and I was regretting every bit of it!

What's got me all upset, I hear you ask?

We had been traveling for nearly twelve hours straight and neither Don nor Bobobo had done anything remotely interesting!

"This is so wrooooong!" I voiced loudly, trailing behind Bobobo and Don as the two led the way through a clearing of tall grass. I wouldn't have been complaining if some creatures with the abilities to control every single type of element jumped out at us like the old man promised. I even bought one of those red and white balls that were supposed to capture these things! Cheap-o old man would be getting deep sixed if I wasn't busy trying to get something out of Bobobo or Don. "Guuuuys, don't you wanna hold a heist and snatch the great golden banana? Or sell brushes for hairless cats on an infomercial that only has a slot between the times eight-o-clock and eight-o-five? Or tie Don to some train tracks and laugh like 'Nyack, nyack, nyack!'? Or—WAH!"

Bobobo suddenly spun around and picked me up like I was the lightest thing on the planet, cradling me in his arms and rocking me like a baby. Or a duckling. Yeah, ducklings are cute... "Hush now. We're just taking a moment to smell the roses and should be back after this commercial break." Then, the top of his afro popped open to reveal two squirrels, one wearing a pink bow and the other one holding a bouquet of purple flowers.

"Sally! I got these for you!" Said the boy squirrel happily, presenting the sweet and over-used gift to what I figured to be his girlfriend.

"Oh, Rick! I'm just not into those anymore." The girly squirrely said, folding her paws in front of her and looking at him with what either looked like resentment or guilt.

"Uh… It's Bill. And what do you mean you're not into them anymore?" Bill asked, frowning with sadness as he took back the flowers.

"Oh, Ted!" The female squirrel sighed, placing a dainty paw to her cheek and looking away. "If only you'd understand but… But…"

"What? What is it, Sally? You can tell me! And my name is Bill!" Wow, this was intense.

"It's just that… I'm… I'm…"

Bobob's afro suddenly snapped shut before the epic revelation. "AW, COME ON, MAN!" I shouted, my eye twitching in irritation from not knowing what terribly dark secret Sally the Squirrel was going to reveal.

"Break time's over. Get to work!" And then he gently set me back down on the ground and nudged my back a couple of times. I glanced at him over my shoulder only to see that he had moved on to teaching a family of rhinos how to count by twos and tie their shoes. Darn, guess I'll have to go bug Beauty now since Don was nowhere to be seen.

Said girl was fawning over a flower a little ways away from us, humming quietly to herself. Stuffing my hands into the pockets of my jacket, I meandered on over to her.

"Yoh. How's it hangin'?" I greeted and Beauty glanced up at me from her crouched position, smiling serenely and looking back down at the yellow daisy swaying in the breeze.

"Look at this beautiful daisy, Alma." The girl said, resting her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands. "It's so delicate and pretty! It's a nice break from all the acts of randomness that's always happening."

I immediately hid the giant balloon and needle that I had been holding over her behind my back, smiling innocently back down when she looked up me with her huge eyes. Beauty giggled, going on, "Sometimes, natural beauty like this just hits me like a ton of bricks."

And then Don Patch came out of nowhere and hit her like a ton of bricks. That guy had some great timing if you ask me.

"OW!" She cried, being thrown a couple of feet ahead. "Why did you do that!?" Beauty recovered, glaring scathingly at Don Patch as he rolled ahead of her.

"You've got some nerve for thinking you're the adorable heroine of this story!" Don yelled at her, transitioning into woman's makeup that did nothing for his skin tone and bright purple heels. "Well, I'm the big star, you hear me? Me! Not you! ME!"

"What?" Beauty questioned, rubbing the sore spot on her head and looking at Don like this was the first time he did anything out of the ordinary. Poor girl, I don't think she'll ever get used to it.

"Aaaand, cut! That's a wrap, everyone." I glanced over my shoulder to see Bobobo wearing an old style director's outfit complete with the scarf, beret, poofy pants that could hide a whole continental breakfast (and maybe a small hippo) and sitting in a tall chair with a megaphone in his hand, surrounded by cameras being operated by lizards with some seriously bad skin issues.

"Mr. Director! Can we please re-shoot that last scene? Alma was completely throwing me off! She didn't move half an inch to the right like she was supposed to during my big inner soliloquy!" Don whined, pointing an accusing finger in my direction.

"You didn't slap a crocodile in the mouth and leap off my back with Michael Bay cinematic effects like you were supposed to and YOU yell at ME for not doing my job? Pfft, primadonna…" I drawled, crossing my arms lazily and leaning my weight on one foot, watching Don glare back at me with fiery hatred.

"Don't worry about that. I gave her a minor role in the next show." Bobobo said, walking up and handing Don and me our scripts. I read over mine, blinking when I realized that it was in Japanese and had doodles of Hamtaro all over it. Methinks Bobobo is a closet weeaboo. "It's about a badass girl with emotional issues who finds herself in a love triangle with her softy of a best friend and a strong, masculine, and devilishly handsome dude that saved her once."

"WHAT!?" I looked over at Don, watching his eyes literally alight with fire as he clenched the script in his hand. "I play a tree in this one!?"

"Yeah, get over it. Show starts in half an hour!" Bobobo declared and then he pranced off towards the stage that a bunch of teddy bears were working on building. I resisted the urge to beat their bean stuffed heads into paste and instead focused on Don who seemed to be having an emotional breakdown.

"I just don't get it… How could I be cast as something like a tree?" Said sun man lamented, sinking to his hands and knees and staring at the ground like it held all the answers. "Well… I won't have it, you hear! I'm calling my agent on this one! I refuse to have my talents wasted on such a run-of-the-mill role! I'll just tell the director that I can't do it then run away to Alaska. Maybe I'll establish the first theatre in the octagon there…"

I bit the inside of my cheek while listening to Don, feeling so bad that he was reduced to playing a tree. We may not have gotten along all the time—barely even some of the time, actually—but I knew that no one deserved to play something like a tree, a rock, a bush, or a piece of rotten sushi. It was just unnatural, y'hear? With a hum of resignation, I kneeled on the ground and placed a hand gently on his side, feeling him tremble lightly underneath my fingers. "Don…"

"What do you want!? You're playing the leader of the Mrs. Butterworth mafia in this one! There's nothing you can say to make me feel better about losing out to the likes of YOU so just go chew some gum or something!" He suddenly snapped, rounding on me with a balled fist like he was about to punch me. I maintained my calm expression, sliding my hand to rest on the top of his head and wrapping his fist in the fingers of my other hand.

I stared into his eyes, never wavering even when he tried to burn my retinas with his flaming pupils. "Don, I might not be able to change the director's mind but ya can't hold a grudge against him, deal?" Don stopped trying to make me spontaneously combust, his gaze softening to something more skeptical. At least I was making progress, right?

"Think of this as your big chance to show them what'cha got." I went on, smiling lightly, "You're gonna go out there and own that stage like a supermodel with hooves! Prove to them that you can spread the butter on even the tiniest roles and really shake what your momma gave ya!"

I released Don, resting my wrists on my knees and watching the sun man look up at me with big, watery eyes. He sobbed, tears making his mascara run messily and he covered his mouth quickly, "You're… You're right... This is my chance, my moment, MY time to out shine all the other poor losers that dare call themselves 'actors'! … I'll do it! And once I establish myself as the greatest tree in all of existence, I'll have hot-shot directors knocking at my door in no time with commercial scripts and practically BEGGING me to appear on their low-carb cereal boxes!" Don smiled brightly, stepping back from me and running off towards the stage. A couple of feet away, he turned around, his smile still wide and saying, "Thank you, really. You made me the happiest actress in the whole world!"

"Yeah, don't mention it." I smiled brightly and he turned back around and ran backstage. "… Ever." Standing back up, I sighed with satisfaction, dusting off my jacket and standing proudly with my hands on my hips.

"Wow…" I heard Beauty say from next to me. Oh yeah, she was watching the whole thing. Man, she needs to learn to speak up more. "I can't believe that you actually helped him."

"I can't believe he actually fell for it." My bright smile twisted into a vicious smirk as I began chuckling darkly to my own amusement. Beauty looked at me in confusion, asking,

"What do you mean? I thought—"

"Little does he know that he gets axed in the second Act!" I sniggered, rubbing my hands together in evil anticipation. "And when he's no longer around, I'll be established as the greatest actress this spitwad of a theatre has ever seen and THEN we'll see who the main character is. Oh yes… We will see…."

"But this story is written from your point of view!" I ignored Beauty's obvious Fourth Wall breaking, making a mental note to fix that later as it was rude to leave holes in people's screens. Maybe I should teach her the art of subtly smashing the Fourth Wall sometime. Sigh, just another thing to add to my list on teaching her how to hang loose.

Moseying on backstage, I was greeted by getting smacked in the face with sequined and fringed outfits, feeling something tugging at my clothes. "Ow, ow, ow! Wait, stop! I'm naked under those!" My protests were ignored by whatever was replacing my comfy attire with some gaudy outfit, the person changing my clothes turning out to be a flamingo with gender issues. I looked down, finding myself buttoned up in a golden sequined tails-coat with a dark green sequined bowtie and blue fringed pants with my red converse thankfully untouched. The flamingo looked me up and down before 'hmph'ing, sassily snapping it's wing somehow and strutting off. "Psht, you jelly, long-neck?" I snorted then looking around for Bobobo and Don.

"So I said to the math teacher; I said, 'What do you take me for, chump? Pie is round, cornbread are square!' and then—" I watched Bobobo talk on as he sat in a chair in front of a vanity and meticulously applying mascara to his sunglasses, a giraffe behind him spraying MiracleGro on his hair and nodding every once in a while to his ramblings.

'What do you mean there's no cowbell?" I took my eyes off Bobobo to look near the curtain where an overly make-upped Don was wearing a blue and white plaid dress with red heels and a basket hanging off his arm with a plush dog's head sticking out, looking like he needed to be back in Kansas somewhere and harassing a poor donkey who was only trying to adjust some ropes.

"Look man, there aren't many pharmacies that offer the cowbell around here. Now leave me alone, I got work to do." The donkey said irritably, trying to shrug off Don's persistent pestering.

"But you don't understand! My prescription specifically states that I NEED more cowbell! I can't go on without my cowbell!" The donkey apparently got fed up for he released a rope and a sandbag dropped right on top of Don, the poor sun man being squashed into the ground with a cry.

"Five minutes!" A bear with a headset called. Aww yeaaaah, my time to shine! Watch out Hollywood, there's a new star coming to town and her name's Alma!

The curtain parted, the stage was set, the lights were bright and I strutted on stage like I owned it. The audience was an array of platypuses, teddy bears, dogs, and other barnyard animals. Also Beauty who was standing in the back because she was late. Smirking, I cleared my throat, opened my mouth to deliver my first line…

… And promptly got blindsided by Bobobo in a mariachi outfit and thrown offstage. I grunted when I landed in a pile of props and costumes. I was sure I was gonna feel that in the morning... Looking up, he and Don Patch were performing a duet together, Don also wearing a mariachi costume.

"_My little buttercup has the sweetest sm-i-i-i-i-i-i-le~_" They sang together in impressive unison, dancing fluidly with the piano music. "_My little buttercup, won't you stay a wh-i-i-i-i-i-le~_"

Ohh, they did NOT just upstage me! Well, if that's how they wanna play it, then they have another thing coming.

"_Come with me, where moonbeams fade the sky-y-y-y-y-y~ And you and I can settle down in the sweet by and by-y-y-y-y~ Oh-h-h—_"

"**OPPA GANGNAM STYLE!**" The piano music that previously dominated Bobobo and Don's well-choreographed routine was overtaken by loud techno music with a bass that shook the stage. Through Bobobo and Don's confused glances, I sprang out on stage in my trusty shutter-shades and a suave blue suit and immediately cut into a dance that was somewhat reminiscent of riding a horse.

"_He-e-e-e-e-e-y, sexy lady~_" I sang, boogying up to Bobobo who had somehow found his way into a schoolgirl's costume and was giggling bashfully. I smirked when I saw Don skulk offstage, sending me glares that promised that this wasn't over. Psht, let him bring it! "**OP-OP-OP-OPA GANGNAM STYLE!**"

"_BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO CUT ME O-O-O-O-F-F!_" The music suddenly changed and Don Patch flung himself back onstage, splotches of white, blue, pink, brown, and red paint covering his body. "_NOW YOU'RE JUST SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KN-O-O-O-O-W!_"

I glared at the sun man, curling my lip in a tight sneer. How dare he take my audience! Looking around, I grinned darkly when I saw something gleaming offstage. Looking back at Don, I snickered to myself and crept offstage.

"_NO, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO STOOP SO L-O-O-O-W! NOW YOU'RE JUST SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KN-O-O-O-O-W~_" I heard Don go on, serenading the audience in all his painted glory. Bobobo was dancing around, cha-cha'ing and macarena'ing out of time with the music. Slipping the teddy bear that was in charge of the music a twenty, I pulled on a black leather jacket just as the music changed in the middle of Don's chorus.

"Wha—?"A very irritated Don was cut off when the stage erupted in several geysers of fireworks, accentuating the rock n'roll that overtook the entire theatre.

"_I don't give a damn about my reputation!_" Don unwillingly volunteered himself to be a baseball when I whacked him into the sky with an electric guitar, grinning when he was a mere dot in the sky before going back to pretending to rock out on the instrument. "_You're living in the past, it's a new generation! A girl can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do~ And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation!_"

"**OLE!**" I was suddenly shoved to the ground by a bunch of flamenco'ing flamingos led by Bobobo as the music suddenly changed to something brassier. I huffed, glaring up at him through the legs of the dancers and seeing him shake his groove thing with a pair of maracas. "_She's in to superstitions! Black cats and voo-doo dolls~ I feel a premonition! That girl's gonna make me fall~_"

Grr… The people I put up with…

"**LIVIN' LA VIDA LOCA!**" Bobobo sang, doing his dancing rendition of a ballerina in a pepper mill. Before he could carry on, I sprang in front of him in a wolf's mask as the music took another turn.

"_**AND I'M HUNGRY LIKE THE WO-O-O-O-O-LF!**_" I smirked in satisfaction when Bobobo screamed, falling back on the stage. Discarding the mask, my hair sprang back up into place and I carried on with a new song. Well, I would have if I suddenly wasn't narrowly avoiding a trap door that opened underneath me! The song changed to something with an upbeat bass line and then Don Patch moonwalked out on stage in a black jacket, a sparkly white glove on his right hand.

"_BILLIE JEAN! Is not my lover! She's just a girl who says that I AM THE ONE! But the KID is NOT my son~ OW!_"

I glared at Don; Dang it! How could I compete with something as classy as that!?

But then my worries were over when a stray hot pocket flew out of the audience and caught Don on fire. We watched while the sun man began to freak, running around in vain to try and put the fire out.

"Drop and roll, Donny! Show that fire who's boss!" Bobobo called out helpfully, sitting on the front of the stage with some roasting marshmallows on a stick. I watched for a moment, feeling mildly amused and just a little sorry for the poor guy. Maybe I should help him…. Mmm.… Nah. I'm actually a little bit hungry now after all of that.

"I don't know about you guys but I could go for a big heaping bowl of plot development right now." I declared and proceeded to walk off the stage to find some to stave my hunger, discarding the costumes and revealing my normal clothes that I somehow managed to hide underneath. Sliding off my shutter-shades, I placed them in an inside pocket of my jacket and joined Beauty who ran to the front of the stage.

"Guys! There's something I gotta tell you!" Beauty said anxiously, looking seriously frightened. I looked at her, my eyes widening to match her fear-filled ones.

"What happened? Did you fall down a well!?" Beauty raised an eyebrow at me, going from anxious to confused in two seconds flat.

"What? No. I think—"

"Did you find the guy who shot your paw!?" Bobobo asked excitedly, joining my side in his normal clothes and adding to Beauty's growing frustration.

"Bobobo? No, that's not it! I—"

"Did you join the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants?" I asked, growing restless to know what it was that she wanted to tell us.

"Did you discover the secrets to the Lost Ark?" Bobobo contributed, also trying to figure out what had Beauty so upset.

"Did you catch that Book Thief?"

"Did you win the Hunger Games?"

"Did you figure out the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

"Did you shoot your eye out?"

"Did you solve the mystery of the Black Lagoon?"

"Did you find Treasure Island?"

"Did you—"

"STOP GOOFING AROUND!" Bobobo and me shrunk back and clung to each other, frightened by Beauty's loud outburst. That girl was scary when she was angry!

Beauty glared hard at us and I could almost feel her eyes boring holes into my face, her fists clenched tightly at her sides as her eyes shot back and forth between me and Bobobo. Finally, she managed to ground out, "I've been trying to tell you guys that I think we are being followed!"

I deflated, sighing in disappointment and shoving my hands sullenly into my jacket pockets. "Well that's nothing special."

There was a gasp and I just barely reacted in time to catch an unburnt-to-a-crisp Don Patch. He clung tightly to my neck, glancing around nervously. "Oh no, I don't like the sounds of this!" He said, unaware of my slowly depleting oxygen supply, "Who do you think it is? A guy named Ken!?"

"Don…" I choked out, aware that my face was slowly turning an unhealthy shade of blue. "Your jive is really outta whack right now. Here, climb into my jacket and chill for a spell." Balancing Don on one hand, I managed to hold open my sweater for him which he clambered into swiftly. Zipping it up over him, I rested my weight on one leg and gestured for an annoyed Beauty. "Go on…"

"I'm don't know who could be following us but I think it's a hitman or a car salesperson. Someone scary like that!" She exclaimed frightfully, regaining her composure after managing to look past our antics.

I nodded in understanding, placing my hands on my hips. "If it's a care salesperson, then we could be in for the battle of a lifetime. The only way to get rid of those guys is with a potato salad slinger and we're all out of potatoes."

"That's not it!" I looked over at Bobobo, hearing my bells chime in questioning, Beauty asking, "Then who do you think it is?"

"It's… The Mean Green Soup Alien!" Bobobo declared, fists proudly on his hips like he had just discovered the secrets of a tuna sandwich. I stared at him skeptically, prompting the man to elaborate. "These aliens favorite food is rice soup! I hear that they're trying to invade our planet and force Earth's entire population to eat this stuff!" He ended, looking at us expectantly. "Get me?"

I looked at Beauty.

Beauty looked at Don.

Don looked up at me.

"Nah." We chimed together, shrugging our shoulders in agreement with each other. This flung Bobobo into a fit of depression and tears started streaming down his face.

"You guys don't believe a word I said!" He sobbed loudly, falling to the ground on his hands and knees. I watched him with mild amusement for a while before turning to Beauty. "So who's up for smoothies?"

"Sure, why not." The girl said and we began to walk off, leaving behind a distraught Bobobo.

"I'd much rather have some rice soup." I pretty sure my eyes flew out of their sockets when a random voice appeared. I yelped, spinning around to see a giant green alien standing before us on several tentacles, grinning widely with his three eyes protruding from his head narrowed in amusement. "Howdy. Want some soup?" He asked huskily, holding bowl of said substance on the end of one of his tentacles.

"No way! That alien is exactly like he said!" Don and Beauty yelled in shock. I was too flabbergasted to say anything so I settled for staring in wide-eyed wonderment.

"Oh, Great Patriarch of Rice Soup!" Bobobo sobbed, holding one of the alien's tentacles and staring up at him gratefully. "Thank you for traveling through all those galaxies just for me! Now my friends finally believe what I said."

"It's PATTY!" And then the rice soup alien backhanded Bobobo hard enough that he was sent skidding across the ground.

"Bobobo!"

The soup alien turned towards us, holding up a polaroid of a teenaged boy with spikey white hair and a black shirt, looking less than happy to have his picture taken. "Any of you happen to know this guy?"

"Wait! I know that face!" Beauty gasped and I looked over at her with a raised brow. "Since when were you hanging out with boys?"

"Remember that time when I was kidnapped?" She asked and I tried to pry through the crowd of dancing soft drinks in my head, stopping and asking, "Which time?"

"The first time!" I 'ohh'ed in understanding, finally remembering what she was talking about. Beauty went on, "He's the one who came to my rescue!" I nodded, sliding my eyes over to stare suspiciously at Patty the Mean Green Soup Alien.

"So why d'ya need him?" I asked, eyes narrowed and arms crossed over my chest. Don had slipped out from underneath my jacket some time ago, probably chasing a butterfly or something.

"This troublemaker must be squelched because he refuses to comply. He must be destroyed because…" My eyes widened in questioning when the alien began to have a tantrum, running around and waving his bowl of rice soup in the air. "HE WON'T EAT RICE SOUP! Not with salmon! Not with pickled plums! Not with seaweed!"

"Have you tried with custard?" I offered, my inner chef flailing with rage over someone who refused to eat their food. That's just not nice, yo!

"Yes…But he said he was allergic and threw it right back at me." The alien sniffed, wiping away a stray tear from one of his three eyes. "He won't even eat it with chocolate… I must succeed! I need human help so you must tell me everything about this punk. In return, I'll reward you with some of this rice soup, it's quite good."

"Hm…" I hummed, resting my chin in my hand as I contemplated over the alien's proposal. If we helped him capture this kid, we'd get some rice soup and maybe something to finally eat. I glanced over at the Mean Green Soup Alien.

"It's really tasty-y-y-y-y~" Patty sang, holding the bowl up temptingly.

"Hm-hmm…" I slid my eyes over to where Bobobo was showing Don Patch a series of magic tricks like pulling a coin out of his nose and pulling a hat out of a rabbit. On the other hand, Beauty seemed really convinced that this kid was good and it didn't appear like her opinion was going to change anytime soon.

"You really can't be thinking about this…" I heard Beauty, my eyes sliding over to look at her throw narrow slits. She stared back at me, frowning lightly as I never broke my thinking stance.

"… What if I am?" I finally said to break the silence between us and so she'd stop staring at me. I guess she didn't like that because she rounded on me faster than an eggplant in a mach five racecar.

"THE ALIEN IS CLEARLY THE BAD GUY HERE!" She shouted, nearly busting my ear drums.

"Uh-huh! Uh-Huh! I'm a bad guy!" Patty the Mean Green Soup Alien revealed in a shocking twist, laughing evilly.

"HEY, BEAUTY!" Bobobo wedged his way between Beauty and the alien, glaring down at the poor girl. "Don't you know not to judge soup crazy aliens!?"

"But… But you always protected us from bad guys…" Beauty responded, sad and hurt that Bobobo would round on her like that. "I'm sorry… It's just that… I thought that since he admitted that he was the bad guy that you'd defend us against him."

Bobobo's actions suddenly took a full one-eighty when he laid a comforting hand on Beauty's head, smiling kindly and shocking the poor girl. "Aw, come on. Is that my style? I'll beat that alien like a drum!"

"Thanks so much!" Beauty beamed back.

"Come at me, bro!" The alien taunted and Bobobo launched himself at the alien in a flurry of nosehairs and banana-flavored tapioca.

Hm… I think this is the time where I make a sudden realization about something…

What could it be…?

What was it?

What was it that my bells were trying to tell me that it was practically drowning out all the action around me. What was it that the alien revealed a couple of paragraphs that my mind had come to a screeching halt to the point where it left rubber skid marks in my brain?

Something about hunting? Was that it? Did he say something about hunting?

I watched Bobobo don a wrestlers mask and pile-drive the alien into the ground before retreating back into my thoughts.

Hunting… Hunting for what? Something that resulted in rewards…

Hunting and getting rewards…

Hunting… Like… Bounty Hunting…?

Wait a tick… Oh HAAAAAIL NAW!

"HOLD THE PHONE!" I shouted, causing everyone to stop what they were doing at look at me. I ignored them, my eyes going straight to Patty the Alien in a glare that would probably cause some inner turmoil for him later. I thrust my pointer finger at him, grounding out, "YOU'RE… A bounty hunter?"

"Uh… Yeah…" Patty said in his husky voice, holding back Bobobo with a pair of chopsticks, "I'm pretty sure I made that clear a while ago."

Everyone jumped when I slammed my fist into my open palm, the force creating a sound that could be likened to thunder clapping. I glared at the poor ground in silent rage, barely noticing how my shoulders shook from how tense I was. Ohh, I was so PISSED! I was FURIOUS! Ohh, they wouldn't have DARED!

"A-Alma?" I heard Beauty but I didn't look up at her. My eyes remained trained on the ground, the grass turning a dull brown from the intensity of my glare.

"Oh those… SONS OF A TWO-TIMING SEAHORSE! I can't… Ohh, they are SO gonna get it! They actually REPLACED me!" I didn't realize that my dark blue aura had flared up, the powerful energy spreading out to whip at all that was around me.

"What's it matter to you?" I heard from the peanut gallery, Don Patch the head and appointed spokesperson.

"I was due for a big raise." I answered and there was the resounding sound of palm smacking face before I started getting an earful from Beauty.

"Do you have to bring that up now!? Besides, you gave that up!"

And like I always do, I ignored her, favoring to turn my dark glare over to that evil alien who would so dare to take my former position as bounty hunter. The alien stared back with the look of sudden realization, his three eyes widening, "Wait! You're that girl that that Czar's been all upset over losing!"

"Looks like we've got a winner, folks. What gave it away?" I responded in false excitement. "Now you can either bet it all for a better prize or you can just take what you got now and run like you stole some panties." I said cooly, stuffing my hands into my pockets, my bells ringing darkly.

"Huh-huh-huh-huh~" Patty the Mean Green Soup Alien laughed, his mouth twisting into a vile grin that made my eyes narrow almost into slits. "I'm betting it all, baby! That Czar issued a big reward for your capture and when I turn you in, I'll be sitting pretty with all the soup crazy Earthling ladies I can get! Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh~"

"Too bad you're gonna need a straw to eat it when I'm through!" And before he could say anything, I lobbed a shiny red and white ball at the alien. "LATE NINETIES REFERENCE, GO!"

Everyone watched with baited bread on fishing lines as the ball smacked Patty the Alien upside the head, opened…

And fell uselessly to the ground…

Great, there goes my badassery points…

"… Are you through?" The alien sighed, narrowing his three eyes at me. I glanced around at Don, Bobobo, and Beauty who were watching with their arms crossed and tapping their feet impatiently. Clearing my throat, I inched back, folding my hands behind my back innocently.

"Yeah… Carry on." I couldn't ignore Don's condescending stare and I finally looked down at the little sun man. "Today really just isn't your day." He said and I just hummed in agreement, poking my forefingers together awkwardly.

"Great, now where were—AHHH!" It seems something was smiling down at me because a flash of red enveloped the Mean Green Soup Alien and pulled him into the red and white ball, the thing snapping shut harshly. We stared at it, disbelieving as to what we were seeing.

"Well… That was anti-climactic." I said, walking over and picking up the red and white ball tossing it into the nearby lake. Smiling in satisfaction, I turned back to rejoin group when a small jingle caught my attention and I looked down to see a silver cellphone on the ground. I picked it up, pressing the answer button, "Hello? I'd like to order a large pepperoni with extra olives."

"Wha—? Who is this? Patty, are you playing some sort of trick on me?" The speaker on the other end asked. My eyes widened in excitement and I grinned brightly, answering,

"Hey-hey! I recognize that gruff voice anywhere! How've you been, buddy?" Bobobo, Beauty, and Don looked back at me with raised eyebrows, clustering around me so they could hear better.

"Wait, is this…? Oh… Ohhh NO! Not you again! Anything but you!" I giggled, ignoring the questioning glances of the group around me.

"Who is it, Alma?" Beauty asked and I quickly hushed her, turning back to the phone in my hand.

"Sooo… Are you still sore about that time with the paperclips?" There was a rough sigh at the other end and I was pretty sure the person who I remembered fondly was rubbing his eyes in irritation.

"Look, I don't know how you got this phone or what happened to Patty. I don't know what piece of twisted fate I ate today that would cause me to end up hearing from you again but I SWEAR, if I ever have to hear from you again, I'm going to hurt you!" There was a _click!_ and the phone went dead. I looked at it sourly, tossing it over my shoulder and crossing my arms with a huff.

"Well, he's just a great big ball of sunshine today!"

"You seemed pretty comfortable on the phone with him." I looked down at Don who glared up at me, his fists clenched tightly. "So who was it? An ex-boyfriend?"

I raised a brow at Don, shrugging and crossing my arms casually behind my head. "Nah, just someone who used to babysit me back when I worked within the Chrome Dome."

"Wait! You worked for that flat-headed dweeb!?" Don gasped, his eyes nearly bugging out of his head. I nodded, walking off down the trail with the gang following.

"Somewhat. I was just a bounty hunter until I joined up with Bobobo."

"So what was that whole deal earlier with being replaced?" Beauty asked, running to catch up and walk next to me.

"I don't like being replaced by someone who's got no taste in food." Beauty facepalmed, falling back to walk next to Bobobo. "Anyways, let's go for smoothies. I've got a craving for something fruity."

The group hummed in agreement before we fell into a comfortable silence, walking down the forest trail to the nearest smoothie parlor. I would have been more comfortable if Don didn't keep walking next to me just to send me suspicious glances.


End file.
